Saturday, February 14, 2009

Prophets of Doom 

[updated] While the confused and broken Obama administration and the Democratic party languish in failed victory following the successful passage of a pre-emptively doomed stimulus package the Republican party - the party of ideas and ordered efficiency - celebrate a legacy of victorious failures and carefully orchestrated ingeniusly stupid triumphs.

Cable TV News Anchor: Senator, the passage of the stimulus bill clearly represents a serious failure of bi-partisanship for the Obama administration and the Democrats. You must be very disappointed... can the president recover, or does this mark the beginning of the end for the Obama administration... and if so where do the Democrats and the president go from here?

Senator D.: Well, uh... we ummm, we did pass the stimu...

Senator R.: The American people are tired of the failed policies of bi-partisanship... we need genuine stimulus with fresh ideas and we all need to work together in a renewed effort at partisanship that includes everyone and which moves this country forward and gives tax breaks to the hard working American people.

Cable TV News : Senator D., even economists like Paul Krugman acknowlege that the stimulus bill that was passed is too little too late, and a tragic failure of bi-partisanship... [video clip] Will the president, in the spirit of transparency, level with the American people and publically renounce the failed policy of post partisan bi-partisanship and return to a strategy of partisan cooperation on behalf of the American people?

Senator D.: But, ummm... uh, what?

Senator R.: He said, will the president DENOUNCE HIS POLICIES AS THE FAILED POLICIES OF FDR AND JIMMY CARTER AND HUGO CHAVEZ and return this country to the common sense leadership of Ronald Reagan and Calvin Coolidge!

Obama/Dems get stimulus package. This of course represents a great victory for the Republican party because now the Republican party and their media sentries will have a golden opportunity to whine and complain and make ugly stoopid remarks on TV about the stimulus package. Therefore, Obama has failed and we must:


If there is one thing this country does not need right now it's the Republican party declaring victory for any reason whatsoever. Can you imagine what would have happened had the stimulus package that passed been twice as big as it is already? It would have been a twice as big a target for Republican party ridicule! And it would have been twice as big a victory for the Republican party! And twice as big a failure for the Obama administration.

My friends, these are dangerous times. We must repeal the stimulus package as soon as possible (eventhough this too will be seen as a victory for Republicans, it must be done, or the Republican's and their embedded media scullions will continue to craft arguments which threaten to portray any victory, no matter how flawed, as a defeat). It is clear that the Republican party, by opposing the stimulus package, was actually engaging in a very clever strategy, hoping it would pass all along, as it did, and now they will emerge to claim victory!

Of course, if the stimulus package had not passed in the first place that would have been a glorious victory for the Republicans too. And would have just gone to show you that Obama had failed once again. But, unfortunately or not, that did not happen (Instead, Obama's victorious defeat has handed a glorious defeat victory to Republicans!) and now we are in very serious trouble no matter what. What can be done?

First: repeal the stimulus package. This can be done in a bi-partisan manner since Republicans will win either way.

Second: The Obama administration must appoint Howard Dean to a cabinet level position as the new Secretary of Bi-Partisanship Eradication. A 50 state strategy to eliminate bi-partisanship wherever it rears it's insidious bi-partisan head. This new works project administration (to be paid for with stimulus package funding from the new post bi-partisan stimulus package) will fan out across the country to educate American's on the dangers of bi-partisanship. Thousands of Americans will be employed in this effort to eradicate wastefull bi-partisanship and restore America to the partisan beacon of freedom that it has always been (or was, like in the 1940s when everyone, or most everyone, finally hated Nazis, and Father Coughlin, and all those bi-partisan assholes from the anti-Saloon League).

It is very important that bi-partisanship be completely destroyed and banished forever. It is important to remember here that had bi-partisanship actually succeeded in helping to not pass our current stimulus package it would have been a disasterous failure for the nation. Fortunately, bi-partisanship did not help to pass our failed stimulus package which has failed (it is insolvent) and we can all breath a little easier knowing that. However, bi-partisanship is not dead. And therefore we must remove the new stimulus package to strip the toxic assets of bi-partisan failure that has even failed to be a failure and which will hobble any new post bi-partisanship era stimulus package. Because of this a glorious new era of post bi-partisanship stimulus packages will emerge and be passed in a purely partisan fashion. I don't think it can be more clear than that.

Now, I know there are critics out there who will tell me that any post bi-partisanship era stimulus package will almost certainly resemble (be the exact same thing) as the failed bi-partisanship era stimulus package we have now. They will tell me that there is no reason to repeal a bi-partisanship era stimulus package just because it allows Republicans to declare a partisan victory on television and any brand new post bi-partisanship era stimulus package will almost certainly contain the exact same funding outlays as the repealed so called bi-partisan package etc.... so what in Gawds name is the point in all this? Or something.

To which I will remind them that I am not some simple post partisan hopey dopey OBot cheerleading for the Dear Leader's glorious orations but rather a very insighful partisan with a clear-eyed vision of the future whose ideas have value! And anyone who says otherwise is obviously a cultist groveling in tattered kneepads before the swollen shaft of a false messiah. In fact, in the glorious new post bi-partisanship era it will be generally agreed that one should never support or defend the policies of the political candidate that they actually voted for because that would be an ugly return to the partisan politics of a failed era of bi-partisanship. And I think we have all seen what a failed hash that has become judging by the past efforts and future prospects outlined here and elsewhere.

Third: Once we have repealed the bi-partisanship era stimulus package and reinstated a post bi-partisanship era stimulus package (which is essentially the stimulus package we originally had but with the taint of bi-partisanship stripped from it) we will proceede in a post bi-partisanship manner to bulk up the Department of Justice with fair minded and politically non ideological righteous post bi-partisanship era department of justice non-ideolouges.

By now bi-partisanship has been effectively erradicated by Howard Dean's 50 state Dept of Bi-Partisanship Eradication it will be easy for the Obama's post bi-partisanship administration (which everyone can safely agree is a total failure) to proceede with the public trials of Dick Cheney and George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld and John Yoo and David Addington and that awful idiot Debbie Schlussel who I just added here for the hell of it because I thought it would be unfair to not include a woman here (in the spirit of partisan non-partisanship) i don't want to be accused of being a misogynist for excluding a woman from the honor roll of craziness.

Anyhow... President Obama (who as we all know is a failure and should be impeached for not doing what he should have done if he had any actual ideas of value) will now appear on television every day at noon saying stuff like this:
"My post bi-partisan era administration will ruthlessly pursue Dick Cheney and George W. Bush. Rooting each of them from whatever hidey holes they are hiding in and placing them, dead or alive, on trial before a completely post bi-partisanship era judiciary and finding them guilty of the crimes we all know they are guilty of commiting. And then we will cut off their fucking rotten heads and - together as a nation - we will shit down their fucking necks and feed their shit-stuffed torsos to the maggots of infamy!"

The similarities to FDR in the above quote are inescapable.

Many of you are also probably familiar with Lincoln's famous response to a question concerning what he would do if he could get his hands on Jefferson Davis. For which Lincoln responded:
If I could get my hands on JD I'd drag him into my study by the scruff of the neck and beat the dirty little traitorous cousin fucking bastard senseless with a rusty fireplace poker!"

Those were the days.

YES! We are a finally a fully formed post bi-partisanship nation!

Of course the Republicans will grouse and whine and complain and boo-hoo-friggin-hoo. But so what. Afterall, The American people have spoken (10% voted for Dennis Kucinich - which is 30 million Americans! - and 62% want George W. Bush to be clobbered senseless, if that ain't been the case from the git-go, and stuffed into a freezer like a side of pork ribs) and they want to see Nancy Pelosi - smiling like a post bi-partisan era partisan San Fran clam - drop Dick Cheney's bloody freshly severed gurgling head onto the desk in front of Larry King during his regularly scheduled program on CNN.

BRAZIL, Hellooo, ...

...we have Digby on the line. Digby, you have been critical of congressional Dems and the Obama administration for cutting off Dick Cheney's head and stuffing George W. Bush in a freezer like a side of pork ribs because you say that this gives the Republicans an opportunity to appear on cable tv news gasbag shows and characterize liberals as bloodthirsty partisan hacks and...


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