Wednesday, May 28, 2008

A Moment with Andy Roonee 

Why is it, whenever we talk about disposing of someone we don't like, we always say we're going to throw them under the bus? Or we announce that they have been thrown under the bus by someone else. I'm tired of hearing people talk about throwing people under the bus.

And why does it always have to be a bus? I have a bus, it's an old bus, I bought it in 1952 and I still keep it parked next to my garage. I can't remember how many people were thrown under it. Probably a lot. But that was a long time ago. Since then I haven't thrown anyone under my bus. I've thrown up next to my bus on a few memorable occasions. But that was a long time ago too.

Lately, it seems, someone is either getting thrown under a bus or throwing someone else under a bus.

I wonder how the bus drivers feel about all this?

I don't mean to be annoying, but, can't we at least throw whoever it is we want to throw under the bus, under something else, other than a bus, for a change? I think that would be a nice change, don't you?

Why not throw them under a car or a pickup truck? How about a taxi cab? I've known a lot of people who've ridden in taxi cabs and I can't remember one of them ever being thrown underneath one. That's probably why they rode in the taxi cab in the first place.

I have an idea. How about a riding lawn mower? Can't we throw someone under a ride-on lawn mower once in a while? A ride-on lawn mower would produce some interesting results. Especially if you had the mower blades fully engaged and you didn't have that mulching baffle thing hooked up to it at the time. All the bloody mess and gore and bone chips would come shooting out through that blowhole in the mower deck.

I have a ride-on lawn mower. It's an old lawn mower, but it can still blow bone chips out it's blowhole if you throw someone under it. It's parked inside my garage.

And why is it we don't throw people in front of trains? You don't hear a lot about people getting run over by trains anymore. I saw a movie once where Danny DeVito's character tried to throw his mother off a train. It was supposed to be a comedy. I don't like comedies much anymore. The last comedy I saw that was funny was "Some Like It Hot" in 1959. That was a good comedy. There was a train in that movie too but no one got thrown off of it or under it or in front of it. Some gangsters got themselves shot up at a buffet table by a guy in a cake but they had it coming.

And that reminds me. I got a letter the other day from a woman in Buffalo New York who told me that Hillary Clinton was thrown under the bus by gangsters in the the Democratic Party. I think she was upset that Hillary was doing poorly in the Democratic nomination race against Barack Obama. I saw Hillary on TV over the weekend and she looked like she was getting around ok to me. As a matter of fact, she seemed to be having a good time of it in Puerto Rico. Doing her best to shimmy under the last lowest rung of a limbo stick.

It didn't look to me like Hillary had been thrown under a bus. I didn't notice any tire tracks running up her backside. Maybe knocked around in the surf by a large wave or two but nothing a bottle of Government House Rum wouldn't cure.

Between you and me, I think I can tell the difference between being knocked over by a wave while flouncing around at the beach in Puerto Rico in a pair of white pants and Salvatore Ferragamo flats and being run over by a fifty thousand pound Prevost deluxe VIP sleeper coach. It would take a lot of Crown Royal to get me to flounce around on a beach in Puerto Rico in a pair of white pants and fruity Italian designer loafers. But it would take even more of an effort to throw me under a bus.

I don't like the beach much, but some people like it.

When I was a young man people used to just stuff their enemies into a cheap suitcase and throw it into a canal near Miami. Do people still do that? I wouldn't know. I just mentioned that because it seemed, from a timeline perspective, like an interesting thing to say.

Here's a bus station locker key that someone sent me years ago. The person who sent me this informed me at the time that it was a key to the future. And if I opened the locker at the bus station and looked inside I would discover something in there that might be important to future generations. Something that most of us hadn't been made aware of previously. It's a nice looking key. As far as keys go. And it was nice of them to send it to me on behalf of future generations. But I'm not a big fan of keys. I've got a lot of my own keys and most of them don't unlock anything at all anymore. And I'm a television journalist and a key to the future always seemed silly to me since the only thing old keys are good for is unlocking the past. And I've never had much interest in the future mainly because I don't know what it is yet. But I still keep the key here in my desk drawer. Just because I like the familiar feel of it.


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The Washington Chestnut
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