Monday, April 28, 2008

Arugula: The Gateway Salad Menace 

I planted me some of that snooty Arugula stuff a short while back. I bought a packet of it at the hardware store for $1.59 and scratched out a spot right next to the lettuce bed and covered it over with dirt and poured some water on it and by God it's growing up. But I'm not sure what to do with it now.

Arugula, and the hidden untold menace story, that you won't hear about from the mainstream media.

As I understand it: Arugula will launch me on my way to some kind of debauched latte sipping dandy-ass doom. And leave me spiritually barren, and little more than a cud-chewing tool of the creative class. A fool of the leisure-liberal society-hill boutique-state. I guess. So I hear.

Even worse than Belgian Endive?

I am not sure what to make of it all. I don't want to be a fool.

Will my swankish dive into the Arugula patch launch me into a higher tax bracket? Really? As a result of a $1.59 investment? Will my property taxes skyrocket? Can I be penalized if I try hiding my Arugula plot from the government? What does Ron Paul have to say about Arugula? Will the helicopters spot my Arugula stash and will the jackbooted Arugula Task Force goons crash through my door and confiscate all my Arugula? What are the penalties for Arugula cultivation? Will I be questioned about any knowledge I might have of the whereabouts of Radicchio? And why doesn't Radicchio get the same scrutiny as Arugula? Where is the outrage?

I have more questions

What will happen to me once my Arugula experimentation is revealed? Will I receive subscription offers in the mail from high-end society outreach operations like MetroSexual Male Internationl and Forbes? Martha Stewart Living? The Sharper Arugula Catalog? Yacht and Cottage? How about Private Corporate Jet Traveler magazine? Gee, I hope I hear from them.

Good God! What now? Will regular working people who like to drink beer at noon in their underwear and eat grilled cheese sandwiches in the sun without shirts, point at my four wheel drive pickup truck, and laugh, and declare it a four eyed sissy salad truck!

What are the consequences of Arugula use and what kind of personal lifestyle changes can i expect?

If I continue to allow my Arugula to thrive will my manly chainsaw sensibilities suddenly transform me or them or my chainsaw or whatever into a giant spotless stainless steel Cuisinart electric cutlery knife with interchangeable dishwasher safe carving and bread blades and touch pressure activated on/off controls?

3 Metrosexual FOX Nooze reporter Cal Cameron following a lunch which included an Arugula salad. Cameron (after only two months of regular exposure to Arugula) began displaying the warning signs of Arugula consumption when he started showing up to work wearing dark burgundy Johnston & Murphy Emery Kiltie Tassel Italian loafers and pashmina scarves and gushing about his fabulous Chateau Margaux French Bordeaux collection.

How bad does it get with this Arugula stuff anyway?

Is Arugula a gateway crop? Is it like LSD but without the CIA?

Should I poison my Arugula with Clorox and vinegar and homemade napalm immediately or hack it to death in it's crib with a rusty hoe? I dunno. As I said, this Arugula is a powerful weed? And why the hell do they sell it at the hardware store in the first place?

I'm asking because I have never grown Arugula before and I was simply curious to try it out because... does being curious make me gay!? - I am NOT gay! - I just thought that it was like lettuce... oh, whats the use. The Arugula is coming. I can hear it out there right now as I write. Out there arugulating. Absorbing nutrients from my small little slice of the big baloney. The Arugula is at the door!

Is Arugula trying to destroy western civilization?

Hell if I know. And who gives a fuck. But, what will happen to me if I let the Arugula into my humble kitchen? Will Arugula redecorate the crisper drawer in my refrigerator and lash out at the common carrrots for being tired old reminders of an America that has long since stopped caring about it's taproots? And what will we tell our parsnips! Is Arugula the new Jimmy Carter!

Will Arugula make me appreciate "funny" things. Will I suddenly catch myself telling my buddies that Joy Behar is the new Bette Midler!

Will I serve my buddies edible Nasturtium flowers on their Arugula salads when they aren't paying attention? As I said, Arugula is a gateway salad. Next thing ya know ya got Nasturtium flowers and chilled forks and flavored croutons and Chervil, Vertissimo! Where will it end?

Will I develop and interest in napkin folding and specialty mescluns? Will it make me want to experiment with lively palettes? Will Arugula convince me to repaint my garage a lovely shade of Tupelo Green? Will Arugula entice me to listen to Elton John records (good god-all-mighty, anything but that!). Will I feel compelled to experiment with other frilly salad ingedients? And salad dressings? We haven't even begun to dip into that witches brew of depravity.

So, what will happen if I continue down the snooty topsider path of Arugula dependency? Will strange women named Prudence and Madison, who like to wear khaki clamdiggers and dangly jewelry, come to my house in the middle of the afternoon and coax me into a Volvo C70 convertible and take me away to Martha's Vineyard and force me to watch a DVD movie called "Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing and Charm School" starring Mary Steenburgen and then try to convince me that I should move to the boutique city of San Francisco and open a boutique that sells Arugula based aphrodisiacs and lotions and watercress sandwiches and other weird shit where I will ultimately be molested by a huge hairless sex crazed lesbian in a sleeveless "Malibu Barbie Rules" t-shirt who rides a pink Harley Davidson Super Glide and teaches Salsa dancing to drug addicts at some cabaret off Castro Street!

Arugula. What is it? What in God's name does it have in mind for me? And for all of us! And why does Barack Obama want God fearin' regular salt of the earth farmer folk in Iowa to grow it and feed it to our children when it may very well turn them all into wealthy old European latte junkies and organic micro mixed saladsexual boutique state Marxist intellectuals? Or hairless tattooed lesbian dance instructors. Or Cuisinarts. Or whatever.

I ask ya.


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