Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hillary Clinton's Imperative Threshold of Doom 

McCain campaign spokesperson Hillary Clinton today - speaking again from her perch upon her rostrum aboard her war galley surrounded by her usual retinue of vassals and succors - continued reminding us all that her shifty threshold remains unmoved when it comes to suggesting that only she and St Bombs-Away McCain posess the audacity of naked opprobrious ambition to appropriate the commander in chief 44 primordium.
“I think that since we now know Sen. (John) McCain will be the nominee for the Republican Party, national security will be front and center in this election. We all know that. And I think it’s imperative that each of us be able to demonstrate we can cross the commander-in-chief threshold,” the New York senator told reporters crowded into an infant’s bedroom-sized hotel conference room in Washington.

“I believe that I’ve done that. Certainly, Sen. McCain has done that and you’ll have to ask Sen. Obama with respect to his candidacy,” she said.

Calling McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee a good friend and a “distinguished man with a great history of service to our country,” Clinton said, “Both of us will be on that stage having crossed that threshold. That is a critical criterion for the next Democratic nominee to deal with.”

daily kos

Presumably "the good man with a great history of service to our country" will likewise offer Her Critical Criterioness the option of servicing our country "front and center" by joining him on the Republican party ticket should Mr. Obama somehow misinterpret his current delegate lead and likely victory in the Democratic party nomination process as some kind of imperative in its own right?

Afterall, if we are to follow the apparent reasoning, Ms Hillary does have the best interest of the country in mind. And would no doubt prefer to see two threshold worthy commander-in-chiefs servicing our critical criterions than some wispy half-breed darky dood from the Kukui nut state with nothing more than a fancy sounding speech from 2002 and a funny sinister sounding middle name guarding the bloody red jangling phone of doom at 3 am!

And one should not rule out the possibility that Her Fair Hillaryiousness may yet decide to offer Gentleman McCain the VP slot on the national Republican ticket should circumstances warrant such dramatic turn of fortunes and she be denied top tuna billing in the Democratic race! So save yoor mittens for another winter Mr Romney! Do not underestimate the pow-pow-power of the Power Pantsuit!

Has anyone pursued this possibility? There are so many unexplored options available here one can not rule out any future trading options. Chew on those possibilities Mr Obama!

Nevertheless, Her Commanderness in Waiting, The Lady Clinton, has been more than gracious when it comes to extending a helping investment hand to Mr. Obama. It seems that Hillary C's previous cattle futures trading experience was merely a prelude to trading in human futures. Namely, in this most recent case, Mr. Obama's future, which Ms Clinton has generously converted into an option should a VP "dream team" ticket slot with Mr. Obama's name on it be agreeable to her in the future.

Futures and options trading is potentially rewarding (you can learn all about it on CNBC - lucky duckies!) - (or not, too bad for yoooo!) and if you secure your position now (call within the next 15 minutes!) we will send you absolutely free a replica Lamp Lighter Cafe Irish Peace Accord stainless steel replica teapot in honor of St Patrick's Day and national security and distinguished foreign service to our country and all that shiny stainless steel tea and biscuit bull-coddle. But wait, that's not all!...
For nearly a week now, the Clintons have not-so-subtly raised the prospect of Mr. Obama joining the ticket. It would be an “unstoppable force,” Mr. Clinton told a weekend audience in Mississippi,...


You see, you will also be party to an "unstoppable force" (or something like that). "Not-so-subtly raised":

"I shall propse to you, Mistah Obama, if you would be so kind as to not allow Little Eva to drown like a Lackawanna woodchuck in a morass of her own hubris, to see to it that you are secured the position of Head Coachman in the next Village Administration. And are thereby allowed to reside in the big plantation house in the swamp in NW Warshington Dee Cee with the Misses-in-Chief-n-Me. In this event, Mistah Obama, Simon "Republican Party" Legree will never lay a whoopin' to ya should you concede to our generous and unselfish terms."

Ya see.

How's that for threshold crossing! ... well, yooo know how that story goes. I'm sure that offer will go down like a wet bottom shoe-fly pie in Mississippi. Of course, who cares about Mississippi, because Mississippi don't count. Unless they vote for Hillary. In which case it counts. It's up to the residents of Mississippi to decide whether or not they count or not.

Now, that kind of talk may sound very Harriet Beecher Stowe after a while but that should not deter the Clinton campaign wowsers from pursuing all available options (no matter how sleazy, dishonest, pretensious, weird, underhanded, condescending, implausible, mathematically challenged, and generally just obnoxious they may be). Just send that simpering nerd (and author of Scandal: How "Gotcha" Politics Is Destroying America) Lanny Davis out there to engage in gotcha politics... uhmm...

Hey, wait... Oh, yeah, it's just politics! And, afterall, no-one wants to drown in their own hubris. That would be so hopeless! And I think we all know who that potential drowning victim no-one is, in this event, at this juncture.

It's up to yoo Mr Obama, save Miss Evangeline St. Clinton from her own watery hubris, or subject yourself to the wild Republican Party confederate whoopins of Simon Southern Strategy Legree and company! What a choice huh?

History's threshold is littered with the squirming dying shrieks of the vanquished.


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