Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Death Business Roundup 

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12 Americans Slain in Attacks as British, Iraqis Argue Over Clash

"Eight service members and a State Department employee are among those killed. U.S. death toll is lower this month."

Los Angeles Times, Page A4, Wednesday, September 21, 2005


The Federal Reserve Death Watch raised its benchmark short-term rate a quarter percentage point Tuesday, causing some analysts to shake their heads knowingly. Share prices ended broadly lower for a second day, as adjusted death values signaled a sell-off of some long cherished relationships. Mary Sutherland, mother of a recently killed soldier, felt the market was just too shaky to produce meaningful results for the large, gaping hole that exists where her heart used to be. "I'm not exactly sure what they had in mind by adjusting gross values, but I went into my dead son's room again today: my ex-husband just sits in there, and holds his head, and won't leave. No talk of market shares can move him."

There have been some consumer "agitations" in the Death Fund Yields markets as traders spread deposit rates evenly among our nation's cemeteries. The Ten-Year Death Note Yield Report has produced some grumblings in the ancillary market sectors, as many analysts predicted, leading to fewer greeting card sales on the heels of the brief up-tic in the "Sorry For Your Loss" division. After tax losses, coupled with a general sense of endless despair, have created a "bulge" in Mercy Capital "floats" which have been off-set by the "One Less Seat at the Holiday Table" ennui, putting a "harsh" on family gatherings in general. Employing aspects of the "Let's Pretend" campaign, designed for families who pay way too much attention to their tragic lives, have not paid off in short-term yields nor stirred overall investor confidence.

The emotional cost of treating human beings like chess pieces being played by people who have never actually played chess could produce a negative ripple effect were it not for the predominance of "poor" or "really poor" families involved. "It's so invigorating to see these young people, with few or no options, being trained to destroy property and life on command," said Iraqi Store Operations Manager Klyde Wilmont, still wearing his Wal-Mart uniform while interviewed in front of a really cool Hummer. "It's like having a bunch of video game characters at your disposal, and then they really go off and do all that stuff you thought was just some cynical programmer's psychotic fantasy. It's awesome!" Mr. Wilmont, when asked why he was wearing a Wal-Mart uniform while leading a bunch of recruits in an assault on indigenous Arabs, ended the interview and began to snap his fingers in an unsettling rhythm.

Answering calls for new leadership in the War On People We Can Have Wars On, executives for 99 Cent Stores have unveiled their offer to buy out the United States, move their minimum wage staff overseas, and "...make the Terrorists stand in line like everybody else." No response thus far from the State Department regarding the 99 Cent Stores offer, as most of them were off checking out the new Outlet Stores recently opened just west of our nation's capital. One executive, who asked to be paid 99 cents for this interview, reached his arms skyward and yelled "God is cheap!" Religious leaders responded by issuing low-yield Heaven Promissory Notes, which, when adjusted for sheer lunacy, offered perfect bliss at a fraction of reality.


Image from here.


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