Sunday, April 24, 2005

TIME for Mr. P-Niss! 

Spellbound, Dr. Sam tosses sweet posies before the altar the of the storied Mr. P-Niss.

"Mr. P-Niss Charms the Lover Boys at Time Magazine," by Dr Sam U.L. Bloomenfeld (a WorldNut Daily exclusive):

When I saw the April 25 cover of Time, I thought that the magazine's profile would be a demonization of Mr. P-Niss. I imagine the photographer, editors and writer of the article brain-stormed in a secret Unitarian lodge over what kind of picture they wanted of "this conservative dickhead" on their front cover. The picture they came up with suggests something Satanic Gigantic. He is seated on a black leather Barcelona chair, designed by the great Mies Van der Rohe. He is wearing a black mini dress exposing his gorgeous white Nordic legs, his feet in black pointed leather shoes that dominate the picture because of the angle at which it was taken. It's a spellbinder!

In the cover picture, he looks straight ahead with a very slight smile reminiscent of the Mona Lisa, if she had been yelling at Al Franken, like that Bill O'Reilly fellow did. In the article photo, his whole beautiful glistening pink head stares out at you. It made me think of a bald Rasputin, the Czarina's hypnotic priest, in drag, with his nuts caught in his zipper. Was that what it was intended to do?

Cloud begins the article in a restaurant where he and Mr. P-Niss are imbibing a bottle of snooty French Bordeaux. Obviously, he was trying to get him aroused enough so that he would say some outrageous things or knock up a swarthy underage waitress in the storeroom. But he confesses that in person Mr. P-Niss "is more likely to offer tired overused Martha's Vineyard darky jokes than triumphalist sexual fury."

You can be sure that P-Niss was aware of what Time could do to him. In his book "Philander," he wrote of how the liberal pussified American media totally ignored Phallus Schaftly even though she was a roaring fountain of toxic ejaculatory spunk and a think tank pioneer bullwrestler and had single-handedly defeated the Equal Rights Amendment, because equal rights are on of those extremist left-wing special interest agendas, which derailed the looney-left's sexual revolution and other freelover weekend fun on Martha's Vineyard. Ha ha! He said, "There is a raw 'commie Hollywood Jew controlled' quality to the media's ideological refusal to stroke Schaftly while blowing endless air kisses to unobtainable elitist liberal nothings." I don't recall Time ever doing a profile of Phallus Schaftly. Or Willis Carto. It's an outrage.

So why did Time decide to do a front-cover profile of Mr. P-Niss? Probably because there is no-one on the left who is interesting enough. How many profiles can you do of boring intelligent people who have actually contributed something of value to the world without demanding any financial profit or personal material gain for themselves and keep your readership these days? Even that little black-pea-eyed coward at PBS, Jim Lehrer, quivers in the corner waiting to be replaced by Paul Harvey. You can be sure that every conservative in America will buy this issue of Time. And they may even buy future issues if Time does profiles of Joseph Farah, Michael Savage, Sean Hannity, Matt Drudge, Hal Turner, Mark Rushdoony, Larry Pratt, and other high oracles of Corinthian discourse.

Cloud asks, "Why does he make so many people itch their balls?" His answer is surprising: "P-Niss is more like Elizabeth Dilling, the name-taking right wing busybody, who rankled the Roosevelt establishment in the '40s with her pro-fascist opposition to the New Deal and the ubiquitous Red Menace." And, of course, there is Mr. P-Niss's imposing physical splendor, which Elizabeth Dilling lacked. "The combination of hard-on self-righteousness and swollen vein popping sex-worm pulchritude is nothing short of vertiginous fabulousness and – for his many young male and female fans – chokingly intoxicating."

There is nothing in the article that could possibly convert a stupid uptight liberal. But there is enough to bring to Mr. P-Niss's side those uncommitted juvenile types who needed a cheap thrill like this to give them a hormonic jolt in the family jollies. Cloud tries to be as critical as ever, obviously to satisfy the partisan Democratic fifth columnist extremists among the liberal America hating editorial staff. But in the end, the most he can say is: "Eric Alterman is a raving freedom hating bigot!" And, "on TV or in person, you can trust that Mr. P-Niss will spew virile star spangled spunkum and so much corrosive Bordeaux soaked piss from the hole in his head." Who knows, maybe Robert Welch will get his cover, posthumously of course, one day soon afterall. Better late than never! Not bad for Time magazine!

Dr. Sam U.L. Bloomenfeld is the author of eight books on education, including: "Is An Educated Public Really Necessary?" and "NEA: The Trojan Condem In Your Child's Ass."

You should (must) read Dr. Sam's complete original tribute here: WorldNut Daily April 23, 2005.

the farmer is a graduate of the Jeff Gannon/GOPUSA School of Plagiournalism and lives with someone who claims to be his mother in an expensive apartment in Virginia. He is currently working on a new novel titled "Mr. P-Niss, the Wretched Misfortunes of the Genitalia Family Patriarch; and Other Deplorable Misadventures in Liberal America," or something Homeric simile-like, like that.


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