Tuesday, April 26, 2005
You know how the fundies are always twisting history and science to suit themselves? How they just keep repeating the same lies until enough people believe them? How they do “research” using the oddest tools?
Well, careful research—looking for facts and evidence—is, after all, a pain in the ass. So, I’ve decided to join the tide. Here’s what I’ve come up with after exhaustive speculation and faith-based research:
--Not only were the “founding fathers” intent on building a wall of separation between church and state, they were part of an international cabal known as “The Enlightenment” who were openly hostile to religion. I discovered this by reading the Book of Common Prayer sideways with a mouthful of water drawn from the River Jordan.
--A careful numerological study using a Bible and calculator has revealed to me that Grand Canyon was formed over millions of years. Don’t believe me? Turn the Hebrew letters in Leviticus 14, 1-32 (the laws concerning lepers) into numbers. Keep dividing the numbers and multiplying by 3.14 until you see the answer. If you don’t see it, try harder.
--Testimonials from a wide range of philosophers who channeled through my dog has produced evidence that will, beyond a reasonable doubt, prove that Friedrich Nietzsche killed God and disposed of the body by hiding it in the pages of Beyond Good and Evil and that all this nonsense about holy wars is, therefore, unnecessary.
--Through examining a piece of coal with the image of Mother Mary on it carefully, using the Urim and Thummim, I have discovered that the Iraq War was never about WMD’s, but was all about an oil grab. You can see this piece of coal at eBay, and heck, even make a bid on it.
--I am right now working on a faith-based analysis of a Sour Apple Jolly Rancher that was blessed by James Dobson, using a yarmulke and two pairs of tefillin, which I believe, wholly and with all my soul, will reveal the name of the person or persons who outed Valerie Plame.
I know I’ve changed all the rules of reality-based research, but I did it because, hey, I could. I had the votes. Nobody challenged me, anyway. Stay tuned. I’m hoping I can get some Bushco holy relics—maybe a W stigmata or The Holy Prepuce of Guckert—so I can really get some research going! Anybody else doing any research?