Saturday, March 19, 2005
Evahbody Want to Go to Heaven, None of Dem Want to Die
Had me a vision where a angel, no shit—a honest to Yahweh angel—came a-swoopin outta heaven (or somewhere UP there) and started grabbin the backstabbers and syndicators and swindlers and litterbugs and fascist sycophants, yeah! you know, the willfully ignorant, jes grabbin em right out of their SUVs and their fat verandas and their BMWs and their high rise office buildins and their boardrooms and plush bedrooms, yankin em outta their oval offices and pulpits, snatchin em off their gummint-subsidized tractors an outta their swimmin pools like they was sacks a taters, stuffin em into a bigger sack marked “deader’n shit” an haulin em off to a court like they used to describe to me in Hebrew school, a long hall at the end of which, way up higher’n they could really see, on a bench, where some white-haired ol crone looks inna book an sez, sorta low and grumbly like:
—Well?
Well, I did everything I could to kill queers an make them see the error of their ways. Voted for godly men and, even though I think their place is in the home, women. Watched Bill O’Reilly and the 700 Club.
—Um.
And I, uh, gave lots of money to the religion of my choice, AND their chosen political party. And I made LOTSA money, so y’know, wink wink nudge nudge.
—Uh-huh.
I, ah, protested against abortion. Even killed me a baby-killer. Even though that’s a secret. I spread the true Word of God everywhere I went.
—I see alla that inna book here. So?
Well, um…can I come in, then? I believed in a culture of life.
—And there’s laughin and hollerin from up on the bench like you never heard, a packa hyenas couldn’t make so much eerie noise, and a ol white-bearded fella starts readin the list of charges, and the folks down there, they commence to looking at their feet, right down at their shiny loafers an pumps that was jes’ shined this mornin by a ol fella at the office lobby and saying
But we never knew…
—And that leads to more knee-slappin and guffawin…Stop, stop, the folks up on the bench are beggin, you’re killin us, oooh, ha ha, he he he…
Well, maybe it was just a dream. Seeing’s how I’m a godless socialist, secular humanist-type and have been for, lo! these many years. And I did fall asleep in the chair listening to the Brandenburg Concertos. And I have had a few—okay, lots of—snorts out of the ol kickapoo joy juice.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
—Well?
Well, I did everything I could to kill queers an make them see the error of their ways. Voted for godly men and, even though I think their place is in the home, women. Watched Bill O’Reilly and the 700 Club.
—Um.
And I, uh, gave lots of money to the religion of my choice, AND their chosen political party. And I made LOTSA money, so y’know, wink wink nudge nudge.
—Uh-huh.
I, ah, protested against abortion. Even killed me a baby-killer. Even though that’s a secret. I spread the true Word of God everywhere I went.
—I see alla that inna book here. So?
Well, um…can I come in, then? I believed in a culture of life.
—And there’s laughin and hollerin from up on the bench like you never heard, a packa hyenas couldn’t make so much eerie noise, and a ol white-bearded fella starts readin the list of charges, and the folks down there, they commence to looking at their feet, right down at their shiny loafers an pumps that was jes’ shined this mornin by a ol fella at the office lobby and saying
But we never knew…
—And that leads to more knee-slappin and guffawin…Stop, stop, the folks up on the bench are beggin, you’re killin us, oooh, ha ha, he he he…
Well, maybe it was just a dream. Seeing’s how I’m a godless socialist, secular humanist-type and have been for, lo! these many years. And I did fall asleep in the chair listening to the Brandenburg Concertos. And I have had a few—okay, lots of—snorts out of the ol kickapoo joy juice.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
