Friday, March 11, 2005
Today is cat blogging Friday, again, as you well know. Earlier this week the nation was stunned to learn of a proposal in the state of Wisconsin to add "free roaming, domestic feral cats" - (are there any other kind?) - to the list of cool stuff you can blow away to kingdom come with a Marlin 336 "Spike Horn" 30/30 or your trusty gas operated Kel-Tec SU-16B with "M-16 breech locking and feeding system." Or whatever other trusty field artillery you may happen to have laying around the family spread.
The plan was apparently proposed by some daring action oriented citizen named Mark Smith of La Crosse, Wisconsin, who, it would seem, has either been clobbered on the head one too many times with a la crosse stick, or, has worked himself into something of a pepperpot at the mere notion that somewhere, someplace, lurking among the wood violets and sugar maple stands of the badger state pastorale, there may be some "free roaming domestic feral" meance answering to the name of Sparky or Buttercup or Mr. Nippers - each with a common sinister agenda - in this case: to snatch a robin from a dewy spring lawn or bury a fresh turd among Mrs. Smith's crocus bulbs. Gulp. Can't have it.
And Mark, god bless his la crosse stick battered cranium, is willing to step forth into the fray and blast the head off any Buttercup that steps one free roaming paw over the threshold of domesticality and into the black good evening of free roaming ferality.
The cat hunting proposal had its origin with Mark Smith of La Crosse, Wisconsin, who could not be reached for comment. He said in an interview published in the La Crosse Tribune recently that he was not anti-feline but "If you open the door and kick your cat out at night you've changed its status."
Yeah, I'd be in hiding too you dumb bastard. If it's one thing you don't want to do, ever, it's get the kitty cat fanciers all riled up and hot under the hood. Noooo-sir. Personally I'd rather take my chances locked in the back of a panel van with a half dozen rabid bats in the final stages of the furies. But... this isn't about my personal chances...
Now, in defense of cat control efforts, I can see how there can sometimes be a problem with kitty cats gone feral. I've seen this kind of thing myself in the past and it can get out of hand pretty quick if you let it. Barn cats come to mind in some cases as well as cats that have been dropped off in the country by any variety of morons (ie: dip-shit college students) who suddenly decide that they are "allergic" to kitty cats or who decide to secure new lodging on premises which strictly prohibit the harboring and or propagation of kitty cats.
So, these morons drive kitty cat to a remote location and shove kitty cat out the back door somewhere along the side of the road (usually within the immediate viewable vicinity of a quaint rustic barn) where surely a nice friendly farm family with fresh baked pies on the windowsill will discover kitty cat and provide a nice rural retirement in the country forevermore. Oh sure. That kind of cat dumping thing does happen, sorry to say, on too many instances. But it's usually taken care of (the horned owls will git em) without resorting to the kind of state sponsored feline free-fire zone liquidation fiasco being proposed by the likes of Mark Smith.
Likewise, suggesting that anyone who happens to open their door one evening and perchance allow Mr. Muffins to wander off into the gloaming, unfettered, should therefore be reconciled to the grim reality that Mr. Muffins, by virtue of his transgression, has now officially changed status, and is therefore automatically fair game for some kind of fugitive bounty hunt - or whatever kind of pigsticking death squad hootenanny might ensue - strikes me as not a little bit idiotic on the face of it.
Afterall, what is this Smith dolt thinking? Nocturnal patrols? Spending his evenings stalking kitty cats around cul-de sacs or through cornfields with night vision goggles and coon dogs? Christ almighty. Where do they find these nuts anyway.
So enter some guy named Bauknecht "who works at MadCat Pet Supplies in Madison, Wisconsin:
"But we're not taking any chances," he said. "When this is resolved we're going to pursue trying to build a statewide network for cat spaying trap-and-releases. We want to use this as a jumping off point.
That makes a lot more sense to me. And there's nothing like a jumping off point to get everyone flingin' themselves into the action on behalf of a more humane, sensible, kitty cat wanderlust tolerant world. And that's why I'm also volunteering to do my part for the great state of Wisconsin and errant kitty cats everywhere by introducing the Cat'chum Alive 2005 Runaway Kitty Trap Hive (tm).
As you can see the Cat'chum Alive 2005 is essentially nothing more than a small chest of drawers which can easily be located where large numbers of free ranging, domestic backslider, kitty cats have been known to gather and mill about aimlessly. Like in Wisconsin. Apparently. In any case, the Cat'chum Alive 2005 requires little maintenance, is easy to operate, clean, and can be reused later as a suitable addition to any home or office. Makes a great conversation starter too!
The Cat'chum 2005 operates upon the simple principal that no domestic feral kitty cat can resist the snuggly coziness of your basic chest of bedroom drawers. Especially a chest of sock drawers filled with fuzzy warm socks and other things that people keep in sock drawers. Which means that you will need to carefully bait your Cat'chum 2005 with the proper tempting items for maximum efficiency and live trapping action.
That's why I always bait my Cat'chum 2005's with the following common sock drawer items as identified in the illustration above.
No kitty can resist the lure of this specially formulated combination of sensational delights. As my vigorous test trials have demonstrated again and again and again. You have my word on it! Cat'chum Alive 2005 really catches kitties!
Simply set your Cat'chum Alive 2005 in a cow pasture or backyard or abandoned factory parking lot or other similar suitable location, bait, and leave for 24-36 hours. When you return you should find one to three, perhaps four or more, kitty cats living inside your Cat'chum Alive hive. Then you can remove your catch and take them somewhere else. Wherever else that is. Like to your neighbors Cat'chum Alive 2005 Runaway Kitty Trap Hive (tm).
There ya have it. There really is no need for parties of armed nimrods to be careening around your suburban neighborhood in Polaris Ranger 6x6's or perched motionless for hours in the branches of your lilac bush on the off chance that Noodles or Old Weezer might happen to get a wild hair up his or her ass and leap off the porch into the crosshairs of infamy.
Not when you can Cat'chum Alive in 2005!
For further details, including purchasing information and pricing, on all Cat'chum Alive Runaway Kitty Trap Hive Systems, write to: firstname.lastname@example.org