Sunday, December 26, 2004
Introducing the Tennessee Harold Ford Show!
I have an idea how Harold Ford can make new friends and be so popular that he could get elected to the right hand of the Holy Spirit. Without having to help sell out Social Security and the better half of the Democratic Party to do it. How you ask?
TV variety show! That's right Harold. We'll call it the The Tennessee Harold Ford Show! This will be HUGE Harold, HUGE I tell you!
We'll get Norman Lear to help produce! Then again maybe not. Who can say for sure. But in any case, all you'll need is one of them dapper pencil thin mustaches and a few old time celebrity guests each week and off ya go. What's Burt Reynolds doing these days anyway? Is he still dating Lonnie? Burt can be your first guest. How bout Sandra Dee? She's back in the public spotlight you know. More or less anyway. She must be in her late thirties by now. Boy-o-boy would I like to fling her little gidget into the back seat of a Fairlane and uh... oh, sorry, I'm getting excited -- where was I - oh yeah - well anyway we'll find someone fresh and perky to appear on the show each week. Maybe Alan Keyes will come on the show and sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow with Ellen DeGeneres? That would make for a nice bi-partisan reaching out across the isle gesture on Ellen's part. And at the end of each show some lucky viewer at home will win the keys to a brand new Ford Motor Corporation Crown Victoria! And this time we'll have the DLC cover the cost of taxes on the damned cars. Don't want to make that mistake again. If ya know what I mean Harold.
You can do this Harold. The people will love it. Red Staters, Blue Staters, all Americans will love The Tenessee Harold Ford Show. You'll be able to fill your election coffers with purple love votes as people from all over the deeply divided political color spectrum tune in each week to win a Crown Victoria. We will fill the hills and hollers of Tennessee with brand new Crown Victorias! You'll be so popular you could get elected to both the House and the Senate at the same time. And you won't have to sell Social Security up the creek to those GOP freetbooter swindlers at the Cato Institute and the Heritage Foundation to do it!
So how bout it HF? There is no need to be cynical about any of this. However, there is one catch. You'll have to close each show with a hymn. Yup, thats right. Can you sing? Something like Hail to the Lords Anointed or There is a Fountain Filled with Blood. Or What a Friend we Have in Jesus. Stuff like that. Anyway, you get the idea. It's a win win situation all round HF. You get elected to the Senate or House or wherever and America gets entertainment, Crown Victorias and Social Security coverage well into mid-century and beyond.
Oh yeah, by the way, do you know the words to Sixteen Tons?
You better learn that one because that will be one of your biggest hits.
*
TV variety show! That's right Harold. We'll call it the The Tennessee Harold Ford Show! This will be HUGE Harold, HUGE I tell you!
We'll get Norman Lear to help produce! Then again maybe not. Who can say for sure. But in any case, all you'll need is one of them dapper pencil thin mustaches and a few old time celebrity guests each week and off ya go. What's Burt Reynolds doing these days anyway? Is he still dating Lonnie? Burt can be your first guest. How bout Sandra Dee? She's back in the public spotlight you know. More or less anyway. She must be in her late thirties by now. Boy-o-boy would I like to fling her little gidget into the back seat of a Fairlane and uh... oh, sorry, I'm getting excited -- where was I - oh yeah - well anyway we'll find someone fresh and perky to appear on the show each week. Maybe Alan Keyes will come on the show and sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow with Ellen DeGeneres? That would make for a nice bi-partisan reaching out across the isle gesture on Ellen's part. And at the end of each show some lucky viewer at home will win the keys to a brand new Ford Motor Corporation Crown Victoria! And this time we'll have the DLC cover the cost of taxes on the damned cars. Don't want to make that mistake again. If ya know what I mean Harold.
You can do this Harold. The people will love it. Red Staters, Blue Staters, all Americans will love The Tenessee Harold Ford Show. You'll be able to fill your election coffers with purple love votes as people from all over the deeply divided political color spectrum tune in each week to win a Crown Victoria. We will fill the hills and hollers of Tennessee with brand new Crown Victorias! You'll be so popular you could get elected to both the House and the Senate at the same time. And you won't have to sell Social Security up the creek to those GOP freetbooter swindlers at the Cato Institute and the Heritage Foundation to do it!
So how bout it HF? There is no need to be cynical about any of this. However, there is one catch. You'll have to close each show with a hymn. Yup, thats right. Can you sing? Something like Hail to the Lords Anointed or There is a Fountain Filled with Blood. Or What a Friend we Have in Jesus. Stuff like that. Anyway, you get the idea. It's a win win situation all round HF. You get elected to the Senate or House or wherever and America gets entertainment, Crown Victorias and Social Security coverage well into mid-century and beyond.
Oh yeah, by the way, do you know the words to Sixteen Tons?
You load sixteen tons, and what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
St. Peter don't you call me, 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store
You better learn that one because that will be one of your biggest hits.
*
