Monday, August 09, 2004
Howard Dean - the Green Mountain Scare Machine
Following the Corrente scroll below, and Lambert's reference to Kevin Drum's eek-a-mouse comment concerning last weeks "hysterical" liberalista criticism of the Mill Baron Bush's administration's handling of the recent !terror! squwak alerts, and subsequent reaction to, Lambert asks:
Of course we all know who sparked the initial kiss of "hysterical" ruffle that ensued. It was that rogue devil madman from the Hermit Thrush State - Howard Dean. The kiss came right off his lips and was recorded by that TV picture tube thing that yells at us 24/7. I saw it myself and heard it myself. Whenever Howard Dean opens his mouth on TV "News" Theater it sends the fourth estate cable cortege truckle-wheels into spinning spasms of sheer fright. As if a darky had winked at the lovely miss Beulah in the elevator. Suddenly a great ruckus is underway as the stricken god-fearin' lassies stumble from the uplift machine in full pant, stumble into a swivel chair, and dwindle straightaway. Gallant blades such as Aaron and Wolf do their very best to offer comfort and rush to miss Beulah's aid to fan her brow with a copy of the New York Post op-ed page while miss Judy (of the Woodruff-Hunt clan) kneels to gently massage the frail missus's pearly downturned palm. Oh the calamity! For surely miss Beulah's pristine reputation will be scarred forevermore and miss Beulah herself will take to the bed for days if not decades give or take a few pre-arranged weekends.
And on and on it goes. Dr. Dean, the green mountain fright machine, is lose upon the land once more and must be stopped. For surely this latest tresspass against chaste lassiehood, optimism, motherland, virtue, compliant orderly corporate marketed patriotism, and obsequious higher commandments heaved down from the Homeland S'curity office portends the collapse of western civilization, our fragile collective "heritage", Christendom, free market media consolidation, capitalism, plastic surgery, designer diet medications and by gawd help us all - fri'dem itself! Oooo...my golly me i feel all woosy just thinkin' back on it.
In any case, from Dean's wink, a great hoot-n-clatter there arose and "officials" were consulted and "authorities" assembled. The Home Office was notified and began immediately heaving secret file cabinets from the second floor windows of the great plantation house in Warshington in the hope such demonstations of heaving things from upper story windows of great plantation houses might display and demonstrate some variety of resolve and "moral clarity" and "leadership" creds when it comes to heaving heavy stuff into the yard at the first sign of a scary uprisin' - or sumpin' (whatever the hell all that all means).
The American Enterprise Institute embeds in Fulton county (deep in the heart of the Brown Thrasher State) dispatched Charles Murray and the boys to the scene to sanitize the Otis and measure heads for any signs of ideological impurity. GOP Bushwhacker teams were dispatched to the wilderness to secure the perimeter and yank whoever looked "funny" up a lamp post. Candy Crowley could be found fashioning broken chair legs into bludgeons and crushing campaign wagons in her naked paws in an effort to shake from the mossy oaks the tawdry messanger of blasphemies and offenses against decent country folk everywhere. The red boned hounds were unleashed, torches were lit, honky tonks and river shacks burned, as the hunt for the mad Yankee winker went forth and fanned out across the majestic red clay purlieu.
No one can whoop up a potboiler stew of scuttlebutt or send a drunken mob chasing rabbits through the briars and brambles and swamps quite like the Cracker News Network (CNN). If you don't believe me ask yourself this: why are we in Iraq?
And who really went crackers last week when Howard Dean winked at Beulah in the elevator? Think about it. The great overwrought wink scare of 2004 (which follows the great overwrought "scream" scare of 2004), was for the most part a hysterical staged reaction to Dean's own skeptical wink in the direction of what any sane observer of town folk already knows is little more than a celebrated slut in cake makeup and too much hoop skirting. In other words, Miss Beulah secured her own reputation long ago, all on her own merits. And I think you know what i mean. We all know all about Miss Beulah's "reputation" despite what her friends in Atlanta like to - cough - emphasize.
Hey! Speakin' of emphasizin' in Atlanta maybe His Messiahship 'W' of the Celestial City in 'W' DC should make Howard Dean the "Homeland Security Czar" or the new "Anti-Terror Czar" or "Intelligence Czar" or whatever Czarist plot is currently under consideration? How 'bout it! As much as these people in the media and Washington love Tsarist arrangements, what the heck. Afterall, Jeezious Hornblower Christ, the guy scares the shit out of everyone doesn't he? One BOO! from Howard Dean and the nooze groovies in Beulahland are reduced to a collection of swooning tittering satraps. The Royal Court of Crawford itself becomes completely unglued and begins running around like a runaway meat hook, as if thats a stretch, but nevertheless, think about the crippling fearsome impact Dr. Dean would have on global terror networks. Gee, if he can send the corporate TV news-noise pod pundits and info-journo-marketeers and the NASCAR tough guy daddios of Tsar 43's kooky gaggle of Judeo-Christian mystics into a tangible freefall.....well, ya know, maybe it's time we turned him loose on Osama bin in Pakistan and his holyroller warriors as well. And all them other evil doer networks everywhere - while we is at it!
I suspect my suggestion that Dr. Dean be elevated to some manner of Tarist stature will become a primary topic of this weeks cable "news" chatter. I'm pretty sure of it.
Goin up? Wink wink.
*
3. Where was the "unwarranted" "hysterical" reaction that so "panicked" Bush coming from?
Of course we all know who sparked the initial kiss of "hysterical" ruffle that ensued. It was that rogue devil madman from the Hermit Thrush State - Howard Dean. The kiss came right off his lips and was recorded by that TV picture tube thing that yells at us 24/7. I saw it myself and heard it myself. Whenever Howard Dean opens his mouth on TV "News" Theater it sends the fourth estate cable cortege truckle-wheels into spinning spasms of sheer fright. As if a darky had winked at the lovely miss Beulah in the elevator. Suddenly a great ruckus is underway as the stricken god-fearin' lassies stumble from the uplift machine in full pant, stumble into a swivel chair, and dwindle straightaway. Gallant blades such as Aaron and Wolf do their very best to offer comfort and rush to miss Beulah's aid to fan her brow with a copy of the New York Post op-ed page while miss Judy (of the Woodruff-Hunt clan) kneels to gently massage the frail missus's pearly downturned palm. Oh the calamity! For surely miss Beulah's pristine reputation will be scarred forevermore and miss Beulah herself will take to the bed for days if not decades give or take a few pre-arranged weekends.
And on and on it goes. Dr. Dean, the green mountain fright machine, is lose upon the land once more and must be stopped. For surely this latest tresspass against chaste lassiehood, optimism, motherland, virtue, compliant orderly corporate marketed patriotism, and obsequious higher commandments heaved down from the Homeland S'curity office portends the collapse of western civilization, our fragile collective "heritage", Christendom, free market media consolidation, capitalism, plastic surgery, designer diet medications and by gawd help us all - fri'dem itself! Oooo...my golly me i feel all woosy just thinkin' back on it.
In any case, from Dean's wink, a great hoot-n-clatter there arose and "officials" were consulted and "authorities" assembled. The Home Office was notified and began immediately heaving secret file cabinets from the second floor windows of the great plantation house in Warshington in the hope such demonstations of heaving things from upper story windows of great plantation houses might display and demonstrate some variety of resolve and "moral clarity" and "leadership" creds when it comes to heaving heavy stuff into the yard at the first sign of a scary uprisin' - or sumpin' (whatever the hell all that all means).
The American Enterprise Institute embeds in Fulton county (deep in the heart of the Brown Thrasher State) dispatched Charles Murray and the boys to the scene to sanitize the Otis and measure heads for any signs of ideological impurity. GOP Bushwhacker teams were dispatched to the wilderness to secure the perimeter and yank whoever looked "funny" up a lamp post. Candy Crowley could be found fashioning broken chair legs into bludgeons and crushing campaign wagons in her naked paws in an effort to shake from the mossy oaks the tawdry messanger of blasphemies and offenses against decent country folk everywhere. The red boned hounds were unleashed, torches were lit, honky tonks and river shacks burned, as the hunt for the mad Yankee winker went forth and fanned out across the majestic red clay purlieu.
No one can whoop up a potboiler stew of scuttlebutt or send a drunken mob chasing rabbits through the briars and brambles and swamps quite like the Cracker News Network (CNN). If you don't believe me ask yourself this: why are we in Iraq?
And who really went crackers last week when Howard Dean winked at Beulah in the elevator? Think about it. The great overwrought wink scare of 2004 (which follows the great overwrought "scream" scare of 2004), was for the most part a hysterical staged reaction to Dean's own skeptical wink in the direction of what any sane observer of town folk already knows is little more than a celebrated slut in cake makeup and too much hoop skirting. In other words, Miss Beulah secured her own reputation long ago, all on her own merits. And I think you know what i mean. We all know all about Miss Beulah's "reputation" despite what her friends in Atlanta like to - cough - emphasize.
Hey! Speakin' of emphasizin' in Atlanta maybe His Messiahship 'W' of the Celestial City in 'W' DC should make Howard Dean the "Homeland Security Czar" or the new "Anti-Terror Czar" or "Intelligence Czar" or whatever Czarist plot is currently under consideration? How 'bout it! As much as these people in the media and Washington love Tsarist arrangements, what the heck. Afterall, Jeezious Hornblower Christ, the guy scares the shit out of everyone doesn't he? One BOO! from Howard Dean and the nooze groovies in Beulahland are reduced to a collection of swooning tittering satraps. The Royal Court of Crawford itself becomes completely unglued and begins running around like a runaway meat hook, as if thats a stretch, but nevertheless, think about the crippling fearsome impact Dr. Dean would have on global terror networks. Gee, if he can send the corporate TV news-noise pod pundits and info-journo-marketeers and the NASCAR tough guy daddios of Tsar 43's kooky gaggle of Judeo-Christian mystics into a tangible freefall.....well, ya know, maybe it's time we turned him loose on Osama bin in Pakistan and his holyroller warriors as well. And all them other evil doer networks everywhere - while we is at it!
I suspect my suggestion that Dr. Dean be elevated to some manner of Tarist stature will become a primary topic of this weeks cable "news" chatter. I'm pretty sure of it.
Goin up? Wink wink.
*
