Thursday, August 12, 2004

Don't Let Your Meat Loaf 

Especially if it's double parked on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

Mike Wallace Arrested in Meatloaf Doublepark Dervish
Aired August 13, 2004 - 21:00 ET

LARRY KING, HOST: Tonight, the shocking arrest of a television news legend, CBS 60 Minutes anchor Mike Wallace, we'll talk with 'Court TV' anchor and former prosecutor Nancy Grace to get her take on what happened and what it might mean for Mike. Joining us will be retired law enforcement official and Christian music recording artist -and the former Sheriff of Mayberry, North Carolina Mr. Andy Taylor. Also joining Nancy and Sheriff Taylor and I will be Bush administration Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Barney J. Fife.

KING: Thank you all for being here. First, lets take a look at this videotape. Of what took place in Manhattan this afternoon... so just roll the tape.

WALLACE: "I said 'Hold it, officer, I just want to ask a couple of questions about what's … maybe my driver's done something wrong?' … and suddenly I found myself up against the car with this arm and that arm being hammered and cuffed. Hard."

REPORTER: Witnesses back up the 86-year-old Wallace's story. "He was taken by the shoulder, spun around, thrown against the cars, assumed the position and cuffed,'' said Luigi Militello, owner and manager of "Luke's Bar and Grill."

KING: Nancy, what do you make of it all?

GRACE: Larry, I gotta tell you, this is one of those stories that just breaks my heart. But, what was Mr. Wallace doing there interfering with law enforcement officials who were just trying to do their job and.....

KING: Nancy, he says he was just buying a meatloaf and wasn't....

GRACE: I know, I know, but that's not my point. Larry, you and I both know that this took place in New York City and because of the recent terror threats and, because, this, Larry, post 911, I think you have to....

KING: He was arrested by the Taxi cab police or Limousine Police or something.....?

GRACE: Yes, Larry, the Taxi and Limousine Commision, I understand, but that still doesn't excuse his behavior just prior to being arrested. These TLC officers say Mr. Wallace viciously attacked them - lunged at them with a five inch Guthook stainless steel outfitter knife and...

KING: Wait wait, Nancy, Mike Wallace, no one, no one has said that, that....there was no mention of a knife, and, uh, Wallace denies that he made any advances at all toward the officers, uh, he's an old man... so where.....

GRACE: Ok ok, but Larry, listen, you and i know what these people will say anything when... (crosstalk) ... and has anyone come forward and specifically stated that they didn't see a weapon? Larry, I'm telling you, I've seen this kind of thing a thousand times. Remember Robert Blake. Larry, he went into a restaraunt and ordered a meatloaf and then came out and killed his entire family in a limo and.....

KING: Whoa, wait an minute....uh, lets just slow down Nancy. Robert Blake didn't order meatloaf it was... (crosstalk)... with veal? And uhm,..Mike Wallace, lets just try to get some other opinions in here. I'd like to let some of our other guests to have an opportunity to speak. Sheriff Taylor, what do you make of what happened today - in front of Luke's Bar and Grill in New York City?

SHERIFF TAYLOR: Thank you Larry. And thanks for having me on your swell show. Well, first thing here, I gotta tell ya'll, Aunt Bea, God bless her, she used to serve up the best doggone meatloaf you has ever ett! Umm-umm! Why I remember the time that Barney and me was....

KING: Aunt Bea! She was great. I loved Aunt Bea! Boy I remember her so well. She was like an Aunt Bee to all of us.

SHERIFF TAYLOR: Yes, she sure was - and she just loved your show Larry.

KING: Passed on a few years ago didn't she? What a shame. Have you or any members of your family tried to contact here through psychic mediums or strange voices emanating from seashells or......

GRACE: Uh, Larry?

SHERIFF TAYLOR: No Larry, Aunt Bea, we remember Aunt Bea as she was - just Aunt Bea, she would have liked it best that way...(crosstalk)

DEPUTY FIFE: Andy! Andy! It's me Barney!

KING: Thats right, you and Barney used to work together, close friends, were both law enforcement officials in North Carolina?

SHERIFF TAYLOR: Hey Barney! Yes, Larry, Barney and I go way back don't we Barney?

DEPUTY FIFE: Oh, heck yes Andy! Andy, you're not gonna believe this - but - I'm a Dee-fence policy expert with the Bush administration now - Andy - and they let me keep a whole drawer full of bullets or carry as many bullets as i want in my pocket and , Andy, we got that Saddam fella we did -- pulled him right up outa that hidey-hole we did. Andy, you followin' me Andy?

SHERIFF TAYLOR: I'm following ya Barney. I've read all about you in the Mount Pilot News and ....

GRACE: Larry, fellas, I don't mean to be rude but can we get back to the subject of....

KING: Ok, Nancy is right, lets take a break here. Lets do a commercial and we'll be right back - I'm speaking with Nancy Grace, Sheriff Andy Taylor and Bush administration Deputy Undersecretaty Barney Fife on the arrest of Mike Wallace --- we'll be right back after this message.

(commercial break)

KING: We're back with my guests and we were talking about the arrest this afternoon of Mike Wallace in New York City and what that might mean and what role a suspicious meatloaf may have played in the entire incident. Nancy?

GRACE: Larry, the meatloaf is very interesting, afterall has anyone located the meatloaf?

KING: Mr Wallace says that apparently the meatloaf was delivered to his home and he later placed it into a microwave oven, heated it up, and ate it.

GRACE: I've heard that one before. That sounds like an intentional attempt to destroy evidence if you ask me Larry....

KING: What are you getting at here Nancy?

SHERIFF TAYLOR: This reminds me of the episode where Aunt Bea was called for jury duty and....

GRACE: Mr. Taylor, no disrespect but weren't you a single father who was dating a school teacher named Helen Crump and wasn't it a well known fact that the very young and sexy Charlene Darling had quite a crush on you? You both shared an interest in music and there was a undercurrent of sexual tension in that relationship which was always kind of glazed over by the quaint homespun family spin placed on Mayberry by well, even Mayor Stoner, and even you yourself Mr Taylor, and all I'm trying to say Mr. Taylor is ...has Miss Crump's body ever been found and how much effort did your office expend in an effor to....

KING: Mayor Stoner has been on this show!

SHERIFF TAYLOR: Hold on, Miss Crump was never.....

DEPUTY FIFE: Andy! Andy! Remember that time those two homosexuals Howard Sprague and Floyd Lawson got into a fight and Howard tried to strangle Floyd with a pair of women's pantyhose and Floyd lunged at Howard with a 44 caliber 1851 issue Confederate Navy sidearm pistol!

KING: What's this......?

GRACE: Oh come on now, Larry, Mr Fife is just trying to.......

SHERIFF TAYLOR: Miss Grace, are you suggesting that I...

GRACE: Larry, Larry! I've seen this kind of behavior before!

KING: But what about Mike Wallace and the meatloaf and the Taxi cab gestapo and the....

DEPUTY FIFE: That meatloaf could'a been a fertilizer bomb! We don't know! Thats the kind of weapons of mass destruction Saddam and the terrorist... they had programs, recipes, fertilizer bombs, meatloaf fertilizer recipes and computer CD programs on meatloaf preparartion, shown on Al Jazeera!

SHERIFF TAYLOR: Oh c'mon now Barney.... you've been talkin' to Goober again....

DEPUTY FIFE: Andy! Ya gotta believe me Andy!

KING: You know Deputy Fife has a point, the terrorist could have been video taping Mr. Wallace for years on CBS and all this time carefully reproducing an exact living plastic surgery replica of him which they could plant in a limo and drive around Morningside Park or south of 57th street or gain access to any facility, hello, I'm Mike Wallace, and I'm from CBS News and.........

GRACE: Larry! Larry! I would like to know why Sheriff Taylor spent so much time with his young son fishing in that pond and if that pond has ever been dredged. To think he would take his young son Opie along with him on such visits to that pond, which may contain the murdered and dismembered body of Miss Crump and her lover Otis Campbell, well farnkly, that makes me sick to my stomach Larry, just sick to my stomach.

SHERIFF TAYLOR: What in the fuck?

KING: Ok, ok, folks, unforunately we're out of time. Great conversation, BUT! Tomorrow night, right here, on this program, we will be speaking with the famed cabaret star Margo Lion, star of pre war Nazi Germany Berlin's Wilde Buhne cabaret theater, who sang, "Are you for or are you against? Are you against or are you for? And why are you against and what are you for?", she'll explain what all of that that means tomorrow night. Thanks folks, good night, see you tomorrow.



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