Thursday, July 15, 2004

Somewhere Over the Brownback... 

Sam Brownshirt, I mean Brownback!, oh golly jeepers sorry, of Kansas (the Over the Rainbow State), presented himself for public inspection and scrutiny and general interrogation last evening (July 14). Appearing on CNN's Lou Dobbs Tonight, which, by the way, dear readers and gentle souls, has become the only program CNN still produces that is actually worth watching. At least it is if you really don't give a flying fuck-me-running hot gawd-damned who that Prince what's his fucking name from England went rollerskating with last weekend or what some glassy eyed pampered dullard like Paula Zahn has to say about the Six Pack Twin's upcoming Vanity Fair debutante photo op - slash - dress me up like a Bourbon court princess makeover moment. And other cosmetic counter culture promo-drivel-driven news claptrap.

Anyway. The CNN/Dobb's segment featuring Brownback concerned that afternoon's attempts by certain members of the Republican Senate's Dominionist/Christian Reconstructionist Wing to prevent scary blackamoors from marryin' da white women! Because, you know, the sacred institution of marriage and Christianity and Western Civilization itself would implode straightaway should such horrors and crimes against God and country and capitalism proceed! What will we tell the children!

Oh, no wait, that was another similar crusade some years back. The Brownshirt's (I mean Brownback's) have apparently given up on the anti-miscegenation issue and have since moved on to more fer-tile easily salable bugga-boos. Rather, this time 'round, the scary looming diabolical stranger is the gay marriage interloper. And not even the gay marriage interloper directly, in this specific case, but rather the need for a proper whoopin' of the US Constitution itself; in order to ensure a springboard for future impositions of specific prohibitions and whoopins' on fiendish diabolical interloper schemes which no doubt threaten to manifest themselves, at some point, in some ways, down the wandering back road of the American experiment.

Hey, ya know, ya just can't keep a good Bible thumper beatin' up on diabolical interloper on a back road when there's a full whole bloomed Constitution out there just askin' for a high holy whoopin'.

So. Senator Brownback of the Cottonwood State appeared on CNN opposite Senator Barbara Boxer (of the Eureka State) and made some grunting noises that sounded exactly like this:

...you're talking about the fundamental institution around which we build families in this country. And you're talking about a fundamental institution that's been under attack for nearly 40 years and in a lot of difficulty. And you're talking about a fundamental institution that you've seen in other countries that have engaged in same sex unions has declined even further.

And so really what you're talking about is the children. Where's the optimal setting? And what can we do to encourage that family and that mother and father bonded together for life in a low conflict union that raises children that will be the next generation?

Children are raised in a lot of different settings nowadays. That's certainly the case. But we know the optimal place. We know the place we want to push for. And I think that's worthy of enshrining in the constitution with a simple statement that marriage in the United States is a union of a man and woman.

Oh my yes, "...bonded together for life in a low conflict union." Apparently Sen. Brownback hadn't read the "low conflict union" report out of Seattle (yesterday), which described a particular flaming enshrinement of fatherly bonding togetherness to mother and child and all next generations or something awful like that. The one where some crazy bastard immolated his wife and children and self in some twisted "optimal place" everlasting. A gasoline soaked celebration of one man one woman matrimony forevermore. Ironic timing wasn't it? Likewise not much mention of the incident was reported by the optimal vibrating tines of CableTVNews-o-tainment. Not when there's a dead Tiger and an angry Tarzan running loose around the water cooler! Heck no. Even Larry King's weird interview with Jeffery Dahmer's spooky Bible thumping Dominionist "optimal" dad and semi-optimal step-mom didn't warrant repeating for the 4, 5, 6, 7th time. Not that Larry King or any one at CNN is picking up the drift here, but, do the rest of you detect a pattern?

And really, how long did it take for Senator Brownback to snatch "the children" from the sideline of his silly argument above, thrust them in front of his "optimal setting", and march 'em around as his ideological hostage. Big tough gas soaked guy that he is.

"Children are raised in a lot of different settings nowadays. That's certainly the case. But we know the optimal place. We know the place we want to push for."

Yeah, I bet you do Brownback. And I'll bet you and your pushy "We" people would douse the US Constitution in gasoline and light it up like a cheap smudgepot faggot if you thought it would get you one foot closer to whatever delusive "optimal place" you've invented for yourself and all the sorry bastards who I'm convinced will one day follow you into the ninth circle of hell.

Ok, everyone relax. I'm just kidding. LOL! I don't really wish for Lucifer to gnaw on Sam Brownbacks frozen skull in the extreme "optimal" outbacks of pandemonium. Not yet anyway. But, I would like to offer Sam some old timey traditional American family value advice from the Great State of Kansas circa 1927. From a Hotel Kansan ("The Pride of Topeka"), guest welcome-flyer:

We may never see you, never get to know you, but just the same, we want you to feel that this is a HUMAN HOUSE, and not a soulless institution.

Human beings care for you here, make the bed and sweep the room, answer your telephone, run your errands, cook and serve your food. We keep a human being at the desk and a human being carries your valise. They are all made of flesh and blood, as you are; they have their interests, likes and dislikes, ambitions, dreams and disappointments, just as you have.

We are not going to intrude upon you, for one of the joys of being in a hotel is that you can be left alone.

May you rest well, "full of sweet sleep and dreams from head to feet!"

May you be healthy under this roof, and no evil befall your body or mind!

May every letter, telegram or telephone call you receive be of a kind to make you happier.

We are all travelers from the port of birth to the port of death, wanderers between the two eternities - for a little space you lodge with us - and we wish to put these good thoughts upon you - so God keep you, stranger, and bring you your heart's desire!

And when you go away, leave for this hotel a bit of a grateful feeling.

Honest, I didn't make that up. Not one word of it. I wish I did. Some anonymous person or persons composing hotel hello welcome handouts wrote that seventy seven years ago (thereabouts) and understood more about living free than a thousand Sam Brownbacks and his high and mighty holy-rolling horsemen of sanctimonious and apocryphal doom-channeling horseshit could ever fathom. Let alone scribble into the margins of the US Constitution. Hey! Who needs revealed religion and all that ornery crap when ya got a good hotel looking after you. Pretty simple if ya ask me.

Viva "The Pride of Topeka!" Whoever and wherever you may now be. "May you rest well, 'full of sweet sleep and dreams from head to feet!'"


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