corrente

None of you will remember my earlier 3700 word essay titled "How to remove this muculent nasty from your garden" (see photo at left). That's because once it reached 4000 words I deleted it and checked myself into a exhaustive babble detoxification program in The Cape Breton Islands. The weblog community does not need that kind of wordy windy bullshit battering its sleek sails! This ain't the Atlantic Monthly circa 1915 for Christ's sake.

But, in any case, the essay explained in great detail how to remove the White Rove Grub Worm from infested garden soil or from around the base of your average tree of liberty. Essentially this involved little more than a small garden trowel (which you can purchase from any Saks Fifth Avenue farm equiptment holiday discount catalog), and a pair of old golf shoes. The kind with those little metal grub stompin' punji spikes screwed into the soles. Which you can purchase new or used from leading BDS&M outfitters, suburban yard sale yokels, and/or any number of middle aged Southern Baptist Convention ministers in Texas who own green polyester sports coats and tinted eye-glasses.

And soon, as a future public service of your local weblog community agricultural extension, I will explain in less than 3000 words for all future generations how to remove a dangerous Shrub which threatens to poison your children, strangle Grandma Millie, and destroy the foundation of your home. Good old fashioned common sense home improvement advice if ever there was.

But first you will need to purchase or assemble the following items and tools.

1- A shovel
2- A pick axe
3- A 16 inch chainsaw (sharpened)
4- One machete (sharpened)
5- Six gallons of jellied gasoline
6- One F-16 Bushmaster Viper squadron from Shaw Air Force Base.
7- A decent pair of outdoor work gloves which you can purchase from Barneys of New York for under $1200.

Thats about it. There are a few more details and folksy homegrown tips that may aid the effort but for the most part that's what you'll need. As soon as I get done digging in this years bumper crop of frozen batter-coated french fries I'll be back with more valuable extermination -- I mean landscape and garden maintenance! -- suggestions.

Don't forget to protect your fresh grade A pre-pitted colossal ripe black olive can trees from squawking parasite riddled wild birds and crazy thieving neighbors.

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