corrente

What Would David Brooks Do?

Many others have commented on David Brooks recently. Including my co-bloggers here at Corrente. But just in case you don't know who David Brooks is here's a brief backdrop.

Brooks is one of the guys who writes funny comedy stories for the New York Times Op-Ed page. Unfortunately many people (especially snarling viscious leftist liberals) don't understand David and they ruthlessly attack him whenever he writes something really funny. Like the really funny stuff he wrote for the New York Times on Tuesday, March 9th, 2004. These critics are obviously naked unapologetic anti-semites.

In fact, anyone who criticizes David Brooks is clearly a naked unapologetic anti-semite. Even if they say they are Jewish. They are even anti-semites if they leave their clothes on. Any way you look at it.... anti-semites.

Why, you ask? It's simple. The man's name is David Brooks. David is a Jewish name. Ya know, David, the shepherd-king, the second King of Israel!

David, of yore, wrote many funny Psalms for the New York Times many thousands of years ago. (except it was called the Jew York Times back then). He (King David) was also, so I've heard, a pretty decent harp picker. At some point he got himself mixed up with a married woman named Bathsheba who was married to Uriah the Hittite. Uriah also worked for David but was killed in a small commuter plane crash somewhere in Texas while traveling for business purposes. David then married Bathsheba who he'd been screwing silly behind Uriah's back all along. David also had a rap sheet. At some point along the way he'd killed a guy in a rock throwing incident. He also had some father son parenting issues - involving his unruly long-hair third son Absalom - which didn't turn out well. William Faulkner wrote a book about it. There was some other stuff to it all but thats pretty much most of it. There's also a naked statue of him in Italy somewhere. At least that's what a lesbian in an art history class once told me. Unapologetic nudity seems to follow the guy around.

Anyway... somewhere down the road the Jews in Israel slapped together a couple of triangles, called it the Star of David, hoisted the whole graphic design up a flagpole (which has its ups and downs) and called it a day. So there ya have it.

But one of the big problems with having your own symbol on a flagpole is that you become a kind of lightning rod for people who don't like you. (the relatives of Uriah the Hittite for instance.) This is obviously the case with liberals who criticize David Brooks. They are simply venting their dislike for Israel, the Star of David, Jews in general, and naked Italian statuary onto David Brooks. They are obviously all somehow related to that guy he killed in that tragic rock throwing incident. Which isn't fair because that guy had it comin'!

So stop taking your hatred out on David Brooks you anti-semite leftist Nazi bastards!

Now, with respect to DB's latest NYTimes story which I obviously thoroughly enjoyed (otherwise you wouldn't be wasting your time reading this silly-assed crap), and which is titled "Hooked on Heaven Lite".

DB makes the case that our entire culture has been reduced to some kind of jabbering Santeria back yard bacchanalia. Brooks is of course correct. What's more, the entire blame for this careen into vapid riotous spiritual revelry can be deposited squarely in the lap of some giddy anti-christ named Mitch Albom.

I had always thought that Mitch Albom was a disc-jockey (which is bad enough). But no, he is much more that that. Albom is one of the many cheery liberal incubus sprites busily attempting to debase our fragile collective national ethereality -- even as I write this! You heard me right sinner. Mitch Albom and his ilk are attempting to warp our notions of God fearin' Heaven into some kind of post mortal Howard Dean meet-up. Or even worse, some eternal mid-August family reunion aboard a ferry bound for Martha's Vineyard! What will we tell the children!

Listen to prophet Brooks:

All societies construct their own image of heaven. Most imagine a wondrous city or a verdant garden where human beings come face to face with God. But the heaven that is popular with readers these days is nothing more than an excellent therapy session. In Albom's book, God, to the extent that he exists there, is sort of a genial Dr. Phil. When you go to heaven , friends and helpers come and tell you how innately wonderful you are. They help your reach closure.

Gosh. Kind of like having your own big-shot NYTime's editor in the afterlife, or sumpin like that. But seriously, what pastor Brooks is trying to impress upon all of us is that liberals like Alboms (who is more dangerous than the Taliban!) have reduced heaven to some kind of cheap visit to a confessional toll booth! Blasphemy! Stupid Irish scum!

Truly, only God hisself can be directing David Brooks and his vision of God's ultimate mystery get-a-way. I myself am on board with the whole wonderous city thing. I like that idea a lot and would like permission to bring a date. Maybe Jennifer Anniston? Who I've been screwing on a regular basis, beside a verdant pool, while her husband has been away on business in Texas. Talk about coming face to face with God. Haha! -- Oh, forget it.

David Brooks understands that we need to return to some grander notion of Heaven. Heavy cream heaven if you will. Just like the good old days. I'm talking about good old fashioned traditional American heapin' helpings of heavy cream risin' to the top heavin'. Back when men were men and women bounced quietly on your knee!

Case in point: Listen to old time man of God, the Rev. Charles F. Weigle, D.D., speaking from the glowing afterburn of 1926:

Folks, when we go to Heaven, we won't be sitting around like a bunch of ghosts. No! We'll go to school and we'll have our social activities! yes, folks, I'm going calling when I go up yonder. I'll spend some time with Noah, and I'm going to ask him all about the Flood. Next, I'll go over to Daniel and ask him how he felt when he was in the lions' den. I'll ask David to play sweet songs on his golden harp. Friends, I'll see Paul, Mark, Matthew, Luke and all the others. I'll spend about 5,000 years visiting Wesley and Martin Luther. - Rev. Charles F. Weigle, D.D., quoted in the Every Evening, Wilmington Delaware, 1926.

Or how about this:

There is a relation between the Bible and the game of golf which probably never has been explained in this city, and the Rev. Dr. Ellis N. Kremer, veteran clergyman, who for half a century has been pastor of Salem Reformed Church, plans to tell about it next Thursday evening in one of a series of one-hour evangelistic services to be held in the church next week, starting Monday evening. - Church bulletin, Harrisburgh PA, 1927

See what I mean? Now do you understand what David Brooks is trying to tell you? Back before crazy liberal Vatican II backsliders like Mitch Alboms (or whoever) turned Christianity into some kind of mind-bending folk song singing love-in at the Unitarian coffee-house, real God fearing golf-ball loving fundamentalist evangelical true believers delivered a potent portrait of heaven that held our entire society together like so much Duco Cement squirted into the holes of a buckshot riddled barrel of original sin! Praise the Furious Lord!

Uh, sorry. I got a little excited there.

Regardless. David Brooks is clearly a latter day wonder whose sign has been yanked up the mast of the New York Times like some kind of coastal storm warning streamer. We need to heed streamer David's warnings. Alboms, on the other hand, and his ilk, are obviously childish doomed rebellious fools. And if you think about it, Alboms sounds an awful lot like Absalom doesn't it? Weird huh?

Funny how it all comes full circle like that. Someone needs to commission a naked statue of David Brooks and erect it beside some grove in Morningside Park so the pigeons can honor it for all eternity.

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