Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Mantreemony Protection Week...
An appeal to cultural conservatives / arguments for the institution of mantreemony.
Chastity and Purity and a Short History of Johhny Appleseed
Naturally one wouldn't want to be having actual sexual relations with an apple tree. Occasional hugging of course, but carnal funny business- NO. Sex is degrading and clammy and sweaty and mostly the fevered obsession of preening overfed fundamentalist Evangelical jackdaws and drunken rutting Catholics. Otherwise most people don't give it much thought one way or another. And certainly there is nothing particularly clammy or sweaty or degrading about an apple tree. This isn't about sex anyway. This is about civil union or marriage or apple husbandtree or whatever the hell you want to call it. Likewise, sex and marriage are two entirely different matters as anyone who has ever participated in either ritual understands. Plus, having sex with a tree is ridiculous. Its a fucking tree for christ sake. And besides, my apple tree has only one small hole in the trunk and god only knows whats living in it. Could be the great possum is living in there, or a nest of squirrels, even a downy woodpecker, and if I were to.....well you know, I shudder to think of it.
Also. Apple trees only get pregnant when Johnny Chapman Appleseed frolics about in the countryside each May blowing magic kisses into the wind while waving his magic pollination wand around and calling upon his children to be fruitful and multiply. Which sounds kind of like what I imagine a Log Cabin Republican voter registration drive might be like. In any case, Johnny Appleseed is not a Log Cabin Republican. First of all, he's married to Idhunn, keeper of the apples of perpetual youth and daughter of Svald the Scandinavian dwarf. Secondly, unlike Johnny Appleseed, Log Cabin Republicans don't actually live in log cabins. They live in tax shelters in Florida and beach houses on Fire Island. Which is why there aren't any apple trees on Fire Island. At least I don't think there are. Maybe there are. If there are it was almost certainly a youthful first time voter indescretion on the part of young Johnny. But, more likely, an apple seed popped out of the Big Apple and floated right up past Breezy Point and past Jones Beach and landed at Fire Island. Just like when Andrew Sullivan floated into Cape Cod Bay aboard the Mayflower and discovered Provincetown.
And besides that... if Johnny Appleseed were a Log Cabin Republican then you'd have wispy Pink Pampass Grass sprouting up everywhere from Appalachia to Applerouth Lane to Apple Valley California. Johnny Appleseed would be called Johnny Pampass Grass and New York City would be called the Big Johnny and you'd be bobbing for Pink Pampass Grass on Halloween and drinking Pink Pampass Grass juice for breakfast. Imagine Rush Limbaugh holed up in a tax shelter in Florida chasing back fistfuls of Seconal with a shot of fresh squeezed Pampass Grass juice each morning. Never happen.
Historical note: There are no apple trees in Florida because Idhunn, being of Scandinavian rootstock, refuses to travel in hot weather.
Yeah yeah....I know, its all stupid bullshit. But I'm busy and haven't had time to keep up with the news.
Chastity and Purity and a Short History of Johhny Appleseed
Naturally one wouldn't want to be having actual sexual relations with an apple tree. Occasional hugging of course, but carnal funny business- NO. Sex is degrading and clammy and sweaty and mostly the fevered obsession of preening overfed fundamentalist Evangelical jackdaws and drunken rutting Catholics. Otherwise most people don't give it much thought one way or another. And certainly there is nothing particularly clammy or sweaty or degrading about an apple tree. This isn't about sex anyway. This is about civil union or marriage or apple husbandtree or whatever the hell you want to call it. Likewise, sex and marriage are two entirely different matters as anyone who has ever participated in either ritual understands. Plus, having sex with a tree is ridiculous. Its a fucking tree for christ sake. And besides, my apple tree has only one small hole in the trunk and god only knows whats living in it. Could be the great possum is living in there, or a nest of squirrels, even a downy woodpecker, and if I were to.....well you know, I shudder to think of it.
Also. Apple trees only get pregnant when Johnny Chapman Appleseed frolics about in the countryside each May blowing magic kisses into the wind while waving his magic pollination wand around and calling upon his children to be fruitful and multiply. Which sounds kind of like what I imagine a Log Cabin Republican voter registration drive might be like. In any case, Johnny Appleseed is not a Log Cabin Republican. First of all, he's married to Idhunn, keeper of the apples of perpetual youth and daughter of Svald the Scandinavian dwarf. Secondly, unlike Johnny Appleseed, Log Cabin Republicans don't actually live in log cabins. They live in tax shelters in Florida and beach houses on Fire Island. Which is why there aren't any apple trees on Fire Island. At least I don't think there are. Maybe there are. If there are it was almost certainly a youthful first time voter indescretion on the part of young Johnny. But, more likely, an apple seed popped out of the Big Apple and floated right up past Breezy Point and past Jones Beach and landed at Fire Island. Just like when Andrew Sullivan floated into Cape Cod Bay aboard the Mayflower and discovered Provincetown.
And besides that... if Johnny Appleseed were a Log Cabin Republican then you'd have wispy Pink Pampass Grass sprouting up everywhere from Appalachia to Applerouth Lane to Apple Valley California. Johnny Appleseed would be called Johnny Pampass Grass and New York City would be called the Big Johnny and you'd be bobbing for Pink Pampass Grass on Halloween and drinking Pink Pampass Grass juice for breakfast. Imagine Rush Limbaugh holed up in a tax shelter in Florida chasing back fistfuls of Seconal with a shot of fresh squeezed Pampass Grass juice each morning. Never happen.
Historical note: There are no apple trees in Florida because Idhunn, being of Scandinavian rootstock, refuses to travel in hot weather.
Yeah yeah....I know, its all stupid bullshit. But I'm busy and haven't had time to keep up with the news.
