Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I Married D'Arcy Spice
Mantreemony Protection Week PART II.
Nine talking points arguing the merits of treehugging and the benefits of mantreemony.
Previously: I Married a McIntosh" / PART I - point 1
PART II points 2 and 3
2- Fortitude, Resignation, Patience:
My feathered maiden is sound of limb and strong of trunk. A good apple tree can stand in a pasture wearing only what mother nature gave her, for months at a time, enduring the worst of winter's raw ungodly bark biting persecutions. Even if its five degrees outside for twenty one days in a row. You try that some time tough guy. But even so, little Vista Bella will be no worse for the wear and look especially fresh and beautiful the following spring when prospects for pollination hangs thick in the dells. All flush with the rosy pink blush of new floretes basking in the warm afternoon sun. Hello my little Duchess, what a lovely day for a picnic!
3- Contemplative, Benevolent, Practical:
Simply put, without an apple tree there is no apple pie for the picnic. A 100% all American apple pie. Just like apple trees have been providing for centuries. With names like Granny Smith, Maypole, Honeycrisp, Fortune, Enterprise, Liberty, Freedom, Discovery, Rome Beauty, Northern Spy, McIntosh, Jupiter and Mollies Delicious. Hows that for some heritage and tradition? Hmm?
To put it plain spokenlike, you can even eat your own offspring! You can even let wild animals eat your own offspring if you like. Uh, talking apples here by the way, so lets not get too jumpy. Anyway, try feeding little Billy or Sally Sue to wild animals. You can't do it. Well, you can, but its illegal and the screaming is something awful, enough to drive you right over the edge. And don't try to tell me that a baked apple pie or fresh homemade applesauce or drinking apple cider is a form of genocide or infanticide. Its not. Its applecide. In absolute black and white terms there is the good cide and the bad cide and the term apple cider derives its meaning from the good cide. Its not the same thing as those other bad cides, so please, lets keep this all in persepctive. I don't want some babbling half cooked meatball from the Apple Defense League shooting holes through my kitchen window one morning while I'm buttering a fresh baked apple muffin or trying to explain to the lady from child protective services how little Billy managed to get himself attacked by owls.
Furthermore, without apple pies there are no bake sales and no apple pie a la mode. There are only incestuous ice cream social fundraiser events. Which will lead to the love of pleasure, and perverted unnatural relationships such as French Vanilla Cough Syrup Swirl parfaits and sundaes topped with chunks of hotdog and yellow rice sprinkles. Lactose intolerance, gluttony, and confusion brought on by a myriad of lesser flavors all competing for vain glorious polytheistic ice cream supremacy which will turn our nation into a pluralistic parlor of debauched ice cream blasphemies and false idols. Like some kind of horrible Hieronymus Bosch meets Baskin Robbins nightmare. The traditional family unit will be reduced to an orgy of depraved ice cream saturnalia and virtue will melt away faster than an Eskimo Pie in hell.
Its important for conservatives to remember that the union of man and tree reinforces the traditional American family institutions of charity bake sales and picnics and pie a la mode. Thereby strenghtening the character of our nation and people as a whole. Afterall, its the apple pie that provides the foundation for the a la mode. Otherwise, all is lasciviousness and frozen deceit. Or even worse, Texas yellowcake a la mode - topped with whipped angry white froth, wing-nuts and hot thirty weight motor oil. Who wants that kind of crap in their picnic basket. I ask ya.
Tomorrow: Part III
Nine talking points arguing the merits of treehugging and the benefits of mantreemony.
Previously: I Married a McIntosh" / PART I - point 1
PART II points 2 and 3
2- Fortitude, Resignation, Patience:
My feathered maiden is sound of limb and strong of trunk. A good apple tree can stand in a pasture wearing only what mother nature gave her, for months at a time, enduring the worst of winter's raw ungodly bark biting persecutions. Even if its five degrees outside for twenty one days in a row. You try that some time tough guy. But even so, little Vista Bella will be no worse for the wear and look especially fresh and beautiful the following spring when prospects for pollination hangs thick in the dells. All flush with the rosy pink blush of new floretes basking in the warm afternoon sun. Hello my little Duchess, what a lovely day for a picnic!
3- Contemplative, Benevolent, Practical:
Simply put, without an apple tree there is no apple pie for the picnic. A 100% all American apple pie. Just like apple trees have been providing for centuries. With names like Granny Smith, Maypole, Honeycrisp, Fortune, Enterprise, Liberty, Freedom, Discovery, Rome Beauty, Northern Spy, McIntosh, Jupiter and Mollies Delicious. Hows that for some heritage and tradition? Hmm?
To put it plain spokenlike, you can even eat your own offspring! You can even let wild animals eat your own offspring if you like. Uh, talking apples here by the way, so lets not get too jumpy. Anyway, try feeding little Billy or Sally Sue to wild animals. You can't do it. Well, you can, but its illegal and the screaming is something awful, enough to drive you right over the edge. And don't try to tell me that a baked apple pie or fresh homemade applesauce or drinking apple cider is a form of genocide or infanticide. Its not. Its applecide. In absolute black and white terms there is the good cide and the bad cide and the term apple cider derives its meaning from the good cide. Its not the same thing as those other bad cides, so please, lets keep this all in persepctive. I don't want some babbling half cooked meatball from the Apple Defense League shooting holes through my kitchen window one morning while I'm buttering a fresh baked apple muffin or trying to explain to the lady from child protective services how little Billy managed to get himself attacked by owls.
Furthermore, without apple pies there are no bake sales and no apple pie a la mode. There are only incestuous ice cream social fundraiser events. Which will lead to the love of pleasure, and perverted unnatural relationships such as French Vanilla Cough Syrup Swirl parfaits and sundaes topped with chunks of hotdog and yellow rice sprinkles. Lactose intolerance, gluttony, and confusion brought on by a myriad of lesser flavors all competing for vain glorious polytheistic ice cream supremacy which will turn our nation into a pluralistic parlor of debauched ice cream blasphemies and false idols. Like some kind of horrible Hieronymus Bosch meets Baskin Robbins nightmare. The traditional family unit will be reduced to an orgy of depraved ice cream saturnalia and virtue will melt away faster than an Eskimo Pie in hell.
Its important for conservatives to remember that the union of man and tree reinforces the traditional American family institutions of charity bake sales and picnics and pie a la mode. Thereby strenghtening the character of our nation and people as a whole. Afterall, its the apple pie that provides the foundation for the a la mode. Otherwise, all is lasciviousness and frozen deceit. Or even worse, Texas yellowcake a la mode - topped with whipped angry white froth, wing-nuts and hot thirty weight motor oil. Who wants that kind of crap in their picnic basket. I ask ya.
Tomorrow: Part III
