Monday, September 15, 2003
Monday's Devotional - with Pastor Peevish
Unclean Secret Atheist Militants Mock the Lord !!!!
"And I saw issuing from the mouth of the dragon, and from the mouth of the beast, and from the mouth of the false prophet, three unclean spirits like frogs. For they are spirits of demons working signs, and they go forth unto the kings of the whole earth to gather them together for the battle on the great day of God almighty." - Apocalypse 16:13-14
"This is our Internet" - Listen:
So expounds trumpeter Jim Carlson of the "OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries". It would appear that trumpeteer Jim has his crown of thorns all in a bunch over the blasphemies and abominations hopping around the Landover Baptist church yard like so many peepers in a spring rain. Listen as Jim reveals for us the "shadowy" truths which lurk behind this sinister throne of unholy defilements.
There you have it - in a nut shell. Whats more, the nut shell itself was apparently plucked from the void for the sole purpose of smoting the satirical impieties of the Landover Baptist beast. And, as an afterthought, to apparently redefine the meaning of the word "objective". Hey, what the hell. And God said let there be "OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries": and it was so. Again, please "turn to OBJECTIVE for an objective Christian perspective"
How you ask?! How can we the faithful guardians of the Word put a smote to these torturous mockeries of holy writ and "misuses" of Christ's communication networking technology!!!!? OCM suggests the usual fare; petitions, direct mail, internet blocking software and of course the old stand by - prayin' like a red-headed step-bastard. But what if all of those traditional avenues of correction fail to amount to a satisfactory "stoppage" or smotin' and simply wind up amounting to nothing more than a steamin' hill-a-Bibles, you might ask. Well, Jim has also considered that possibility. Sayeth brother Jim:
Ah yes, the old inform the "authorities" trick or treat. So much for heapin' helpin's of high minded cosmic appeals. No sir, go right to the arm and sword of the law. That'll put the God of Fear back in the fear of God. By God. At least in "most areas." And if not even in "most areas", well - theres always the prospect of redistricting or poll tithing and loyalty oaths. One can't run a proper authoritarian Christian nation these days without a little practical backup from sympathetic theonomic jackboots in the, ahem - congregational cough, Justice Depatment - ahem, and/or God's own elected congress. No siree bub. And while we're at it, can we please put a shackle to that profanatory business of triclavianism. Sheesh.
And Halloween too...don't forget Halloween! That anti-Christian sidewalk street hustle of "hatespeech" and beggary is fast at our heels once again and before you know it all those little whores and candy grubbing moneychangers will be at your doorstep mocking you like so many pagan demons loosed in a Cracker Barrel gift shop. Listen to Dr. Troy Franklin, OMC's "CULT ALERT" - "expert", explain this grave "holiday" blight on His chosen embassy:
"Right on your door step!" Jeezus H!....oops, sorry. Golly, ya mean right there ready to be snatched from the jaws of damnation by any Right thinkin' Christian willing to do some soul-deep soul snatchin'? Ding dong! Evangelical opportunity rings.
Furthermore, brother Troy informs me that such "subtly subversive" Halloween rituals as "bobbing for apples" is actually some kind of "symbolic re-enactment of the Fall." Which is exactly what I always thought it was, even when I was whorish secular pagan moneychangeing kid raised in a "Satan infested household" who dressed up one Halloween, in the year of our God-bloggerin' Lord 1963, as Ringo Starr.
Yup, I'll be at my door on this coming Halloween night, prepared to HalloWitness to the lost little spiritually oppressed mendicants. For the hour to reap has come, and I shall be costumed as one of my favorite Biblical characters, gathered in vines amongst the clusters of earths ripening vintage, holding forth thy sickle and a bucket of trodden grapes flowing with the blood of Judgement's harvest. (see Apocalypse 14:14-20 for further gory details.)
Sorry, no peanut butter cups this year - sinners! You there! Have a Kit-Kat.
*Devotional appendix - Notice: Don't forget to click on the "Presidential Prayer Team" ad banner at the bottom of the OCM page. Him would want it that way. Also, heed Dr. Troy's advice:
And you thought witches and wizards and windshield repair were scary rackets.
***
I'd like to thank our brethren at 18 Minute Gap for leading me to the living Door of OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries. Praise 18 Minute Gap!
Our choir director, Ms. Helen Brimstone, will tack a business card to the bulletin board at the end of this days service. Thank you all, and go in some semblance of peace.
"And I saw issuing from the mouth of the dragon, and from the mouth of the beast, and from the mouth of the false prophet, three unclean spirits like frogs. For they are spirits of demons working signs, and they go forth unto the kings of the whole earth to gather them together for the battle on the great day of God almighty." - Apocalypse 16:13-14
"This is our Internet" - Listen:
"The Internet was created by the United States of America - a Christian nation [ref. 1 2 3 ] and should not be used to spread anti-Christian, secular, or non-Christian propaganda and hatespeech. This is our Internet, and we should exercise our position as its owners and as the guardians of civilization to stop its misuse."
So expounds trumpeter Jim Carlson of the "OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries". It would appear that trumpeteer Jim has his crown of thorns all in a bunch over the blasphemies and abominations hopping around the Landover Baptist church yard like so many peepers in a spring rain. Listen as Jim reveals for us the "shadowy" truths which lurk behind this sinister throne of unholy defilements.
Landover Baptist is run by an organization that calls itself - no doubt in gleeful mockery of Our Lord - Americhrist Ltd. Its leader is a shadowy figure named Chris Harper who apparently has a history of anti-Christian bigotry. Although Landover Baptist claims to own vast properties and have thousands of members, in reality it exists only on the Internet and it's membership is quite small.
Ultimately, Landover Baptist is much more dangerous than any pornography site since it leads people to reject their only hope for salvation!
There you have it - in a nut shell. Whats more, the nut shell itself was apparently plucked from the void for the sole purpose of smoting the satirical impieties of the Landover Baptist beast. And, as an afterthought, to apparently redefine the meaning of the word "objective". Hey, what the hell. And God said let there be "OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries": and it was so. Again, please "turn to OBJECTIVE for an objective Christian perspective"
For this reason, this website was created to try and stop one of the more vile and dangerous misuses of the Internet: using it to mock Our Lord Jesus Christ, His teachings, and His followers.
How you ask?! How can we the faithful guardians of the Word put a smote to these torturous mockeries of holy writ and "misuses" of Christ's communication networking technology!!!!? OCM suggests the usual fare; petitions, direct mail, internet blocking software and of course the old stand by - prayin' like a red-headed step-bastard. But what if all of those traditional avenues of correction fail to amount to a satisfactory "stoppage" or smotin' and simply wind up amounting to nothing more than a steamin' hill-a-Bibles, you might ask. Well, Jim has also considered that possibility. Sayeth brother Jim:
If none of this works, we must inform the authorities of this obvious instance of anti-Christian hate crime, which is illegal in most areas. If it isn't illegal, we must pressure our congressmen to make it so!
Ah yes, the old inform the "authorities" trick or treat. So much for heapin' helpin's of high minded cosmic appeals. No sir, go right to the arm and sword of the law. That'll put the God of Fear back in the fear of God. By God. At least in "most areas." And if not even in "most areas", well - theres always the prospect of redistricting or poll tithing and loyalty oaths. One can't run a proper authoritarian Christian nation these days without a little practical backup from sympathetic theonomic jackboots in the, ahem - congregational cough, Justice Depatment - ahem, and/or God's own elected congress. No siree bub. And while we're at it, can we please put a shackle to that profanatory business of triclavianism. Sheesh.
And Halloween too...don't forget Halloween! That anti-Christian sidewalk street hustle of "hatespeech" and beggary is fast at our heels once again and before you know it all those little whores and candy grubbing moneychangers will be at your doorstep mocking you like so many pagan demons loosed in a Cracker Barrel gift shop. Listen to Dr. Troy Franklin, OMC's "CULT ALERT" - "expert", explain this grave "holiday" blight on His chosen embassy:
Jesus Himself preached to the whores and money changers, the very people most in need of his Love. These unsaved trick-or-treaters - innocent children tricked by secular society and their non-Christian parents into participating in occult rituals - are exactly the ones in need of the Good News of Christ. And there they are, right on your door step!
"Right on your door step!" Jeezus H!....oops, sorry. Golly, ya mean right there ready to be snatched from the jaws of damnation by any Right thinkin' Christian willing to do some soul-deep soul snatchin'? Ding dong! Evangelical opportunity rings.
Furthermore, brother Troy informs me that such "subtly subversive" Halloween rituals as "bobbing for apples" is actually some kind of "symbolic re-enactment of the Fall." Which is exactly what I always thought it was, even when I was whorish secular pagan moneychangeing kid raised in a "Satan infested household" who dressed up one Halloween, in the year of our God-bloggerin' Lord 1963, as Ringo Starr.
Yup, I'll be at my door on this coming Halloween night, prepared to HalloWitness to the lost little spiritually oppressed mendicants. For the hour to reap has come, and I shall be costumed as one of my favorite Biblical characters, gathered in vines amongst the clusters of earths ripening vintage, holding forth thy sickle and a bucket of trodden grapes flowing with the blood of Judgement's harvest. (see Apocalypse 14:14-20 for further gory details.)
Sorry, no peanut butter cups this year - sinners! You there! Have a Kit-Kat.
*Devotional appendix - Notice: Don't forget to click on the "Presidential Prayer Team" ad banner at the bottom of the OCM page. Him would want it that way. Also, heed Dr. Troy's advice:
When the abused child comes, have prepared a special handout for him or her with hidden Bible tracts. These can be written on the inside of candy wrappers, but avoid using any prepackaged Bible tract candy such as Bazooka Jesus as those would just be thrown out by the parent. Also be sure to include a personalized note and the phone number of your church so that the child knows he or she can contact someone on the outside world to get help.
These are the children we need to reach, and since they won't be coming to our churches and we can't currently reach them through the secular school system, Halloween represents our only - and, praise!, our best - chance to bring them over to Christ.
And you thought witches and wizards and windshield repair were scary rackets.
***
I'd like to thank our brethren at 18 Minute Gap for leading me to the living Door of OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries. Praise 18 Minute Gap!
Our choir director, Ms. Helen Brimstone, will tack a business card to the bulletin board at the end of this days service. Thank you all, and go in some semblance of peace.
