Monday, June 09, 2008

Mrs Clinton did the right thing by conceeding the nomination 

A Moment with Andy Roonee

Hello, I'm Andy Roonee.

Last Saturday Hillary Clinton gave up her bid to be the Democratic party nominee for president. I can't say I blame her. I wouldn't want to be the Democratic party nominee for president; not that anyone would have me. But Mrs Clinton did the right thing by conceeding the nomination in my opinion.

I don't think she should have conceeded simply because she lost the contest fair and square. I just don't think anyone over the age of sixty should be allowed to be the president of the United States. Never trust anyone over sixty, that's what I always say.

John McCain is over sixty. Actually, he's over seventy. That's way too old to be president in my opinion. And I should know, I'm over seventy, and I'm way to old to even be on television. Once you're over seventy you're pretty much just phoning it in. Take my word for it. I wouldn't trust John McCain if he were a day over fifty nine. Take my word for that too.

It's a shame Barack Obama didn't want to have his own segment on Sixty Minutes because he could have had my job, whatever that is, and I could finally retire to the lobby of the CBS building where I'd wander around all afternoon in a Harris tweed overcoat and my underpants trying to lick the faces of strange women until the nice CBS security people insisted I leave. But that hasn't happened. At least not yet.

Did I ever tell you about the time the Countess Dunsmore - and former "Lady of the Bedchamber to Queen Victoria" - presented me with my first tweed overcoat? No, I didn't think so. The Lady Dunsmore died in 1886 and most of you younger viewers out there probably never heard of her and aren't interested in hearing about it - but, so what - I remember reading her obit in the New York Times back then and I felt bad she had passed away. That's why I still keep the overcoat she gave me on a hook right here in my office. Every fifty years or so I send it out to have it dry cleaned.

I think it's a nice thing that Mrs. Clinton did. Dropping out of the race and allowing Mr. Obama to become president, that is. I think the older folks should stand aside and allow the younger folks the opportunity to succeed. At least every fifty years or so. I was a younger folks once, eventhough I don't much like younger folks today, I still think they should have a chance to succeed.

And afterall, it's not like Mrs. Clinton gave up her job running the produce isle at a Krogers to run for president. She'd spent eight years in the White House herself while her husband piloted the Big Fuck Jet of State. It's not as if she hasn't been there before. I've never been on a Big Fuck Jet myself, but I bet it's a lot of fun.

Also, I don't think it would have been good for our country to have had to watch Mrs. Clinton and Mr. McCain campaigning against each other for the presidency of the United Sates. That would have been too painful for most of us to endure for too long. First of all, Mr. McCain looks to much like Hillary Clinton. They're both short and squat and look like the kind of people that buy sweatproof UVA and UVB sunblock with an SFP rating over 50 just to stand next to a heat lamp at a buffet. And I don't know about you, but I've stood next to my fair share of buffet heat lamps in my time and it's no picnic. And furthermore, if you put Mr. McCain in a lime green pantsuit and a feathercut Nikki Mono Estetica wig, well, he even looks a lot like Mrs. Clinton. I think that might confuse the American people too much. And the American people are confused enough as it is.

The American people won't be confused about appearences when Mr. Obama campaigns against Mr. McCain. And I can't imagine Mr. Obama in a lime green pantsuit.

For what it's worth, I hope the Smithstonian in Washington D.C. one day sets aside and dedicates an entire wing to Mrs. Clinton's pantsuits. I think the American people owe her that much. Yes we do.

And finally: I know a lot of women are disappointed that Hillary Clinton wasn't the Democratic party nominee for president this time around. I understand that. And I understand a lot of women in some cases are very upset by this. For instance, a woman calling herself "Hillis44" - I think that is some kind of internet code name - sent me a letter the other day telling me that she felt like: "a battered spouse who'd been humiliated in front of the Vrouemonument/National Women's Monument in Bloemfontein, South Africa by a funny talking waffler with connections to radical religious fanatics who called me his friend and considers himself an outsider and commands an enormous and dangerous messianic, racist, and misogynist cult, that also controls the western news media".

She also informed me she was voting for John McCain in November.

I don't know about you, but it didn't make any sense to me either.


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