Thursday, August 26, 2004

Department of Vile Rumors: "My Pet Goat" 

Readers, here at Corrente we've labored tirelessly to bring a new tone to political discourse in America. And so it's particularly distressing when to us vile rumors about our Dear Leader begin to circulate.

Alert reader raison de fem encountered this especially vile rumor the other day, and forwarded it on to us, asking us to do our Corrente Best to suppress it.

And I think we'd better print it, in its entirety, so you can judge for itself just how vile it is. Naturally, we've highlighted the parts that simply can't be true, and black out the especially vile parts that would totally distress your sensitive spiritss. It seems to be some sort of transcript:


O'REILLY: So, you say that you were a goatherd working in Montgomery, Alabama, in the early 1970's? Is that right, Mr., um, "Jones"?

"JONES": Yep, that's right. Well, that was my full-time job. Been raisin' goats in Alabama since I was a teenager. I was also in the Air National Guard. I was a maintenance tech at Donnelly Field.

O'REILLY: And you claim that you knew one of the pilots there, a Lt. George Bush, around that time?

"JONES": Well, that's what he called himself. I never saw him fly a plane, though. Mostly I just saw him at the dentist, or when he came over to the farm. I just called him George.

O'REILLY: And you say that this was an unusual relationship?

"JONES": Well, I didn't mind at first. He found out I raised goats and asked if he could come over. So I said, sure. He liked to come over and play with the goats, and the goats didn't seem to mind, and he always brought a few beers and some pot when he came over.

O'REILLY: But things changed?

"JONES": Well, yeah. I, umm, well...this is hard to say. On teevee and all.

O'REILLY: Go ahead. Believe me, we've heard it all here.

"JONES": Well, I caught him, umm, diddling one of my does. And then, later on, one of my bucks. I mean, he had the zipper of his flight suit open and he was a-goin' at it.

O'REILLY: Flight suit? He wore a flight suit when he visited the goats?

"JONES": Hell, he always wore a flight suit. Never once saw him wear anything else.

O'REILLY: And you say you saw this man again recently?

"JONES": Yessir, I saw him on teevee in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier. I'd recognize that strut anywhere, believe me.

O'REILLY: So, are you claiming that—?

"JONES": I'm just telling you what I saw.

O'REILLY: You didn't call the cops on him? Or the Animal Rescue League? There's no record of this ever happening.

"JONES": We don't call cops when we catch someone outside the family diddling our goats. We just shoot 'em. Only reason I didn't shoot him was because the gun jammed.

O'REILLY: Now, Mr. "Jones," some people claim that you are being paid by the Heinz company to develop a new sauce for goat meat. And some people claim that you also have a John Kerry bumpersticker on your car, and have been seen handing out Kerry campaign information.

"JONES": Not true! Not true! I'm just interested in getting the truth out! I know what I saw.

Needless to say, this sort of rumor-mongering has no place in American politics, and here at Corrente we're proud to be pouring oil on troubled waters, instead of fanning the flames.

NOTE The one about the burusera isn't true either. Or the one about omorashi. Or the one about swine.

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