Monday, July 26, 2004

Great Tongues of Fire! 

Backlash Report | dateline Boston, 07-26-2004.

The big news today, rocking the very foundations of the Republic and which will no doubt become the primary topic of discussion for the klaxon horns of cable TV news noise, concerns Theresa H. Kerry's verbal swipe at one of Richard Mellon Scaife's congregate gnats. You know what I'm talking about so any further detailed explanation is only redundant.

The expression "shove it", as many of you know, being a variant strain of the more traditional family friendly "conservative values" treatment of a similar command, "go fuck yourself", made it's firey debut in Boston on this summer day in history, Monday, July 26, 2004. News of the shocking and ferocious display of visceral spleen venting rage burned across the land like a windswept prairie fire. Children were rushed to safer ground as innocence itself withered in the hot whirlwind! "Shove it?" asked Millie McGill, a twenty four year old sexual abstinence advocate and GOP team leader from Cincinnati. "Shove what? Shove it where? Oh my, what can it mean," she begged, before raising the back of her pale delicate wrist to her fevered vestal brow and fainting politely upon the steps of the courthouse in a dramatic yet poised manner befitting her station.

From coast to coast concerned news organizations and Republican Party emergency management salvage teams were rushed to the scene of the conflagration to help squelch the hot flames of "hate speech" and provide what comfort they could to a shocked and confused citizenry clamouring for leadership in the public square. MSNBC's Fox News branch office manager Joe Scarborough told viewers that this "verbal scorching" marked some kind of sinister new trend in sordid discourse which won't play well with God fearin' beer drinking NASCAR crash enthusiasts and genteel pickup-truck driving assault weapons owners in America's heartland.

"Scarborough country is in mourning for our nation," he declared. "These kinds of terroristic verbal assaults leaping from the blast furnace of freedom hating liberalism embodied in the Democratic Party are cremating our Christian heritage, incinerating the sanctity and institutions of capitalism, marriage, and property rights... burning down the very fortifications of western civilization itself!"


Elsewhere, soft spoken Right Wing radio talk show behemoth Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a local hospital following an apparent "substance" overdose. Sources close to the investigation indicated that the normally sedate celebrity was so distressed by reports of the heated exchange in Beantown that he suspended his usual programing, drove to a nearby park, and proceeded to quell his inner pain by consuming an entire Ricotta cheesecake, six deep lard-fried ham fritters, one supersized Banana's Vince Foster and a potentially fatal hot shot of Wildnil (TM). A team of veterinarians from SeaWorld, a character lawyer, and a traditional family values public relations detoxification unit were quickly deployed to the location and are currently monitoring Mr. Limbaugh's critical bodily functions.

A spokesperson for Mr. Limbaugh, when asked by reporters to comment on the possibility that the conservative host might be backsliding into the jaws of ravenous gluttony and the hollow folds of narcotic dependency, responded: "Rush is a real patriot and a gentleman, you are a left wing media character assasin socialist and a terrorist coddling traitor! You should move to Cuba or Madison Wisconsin. Take your liberal anti-Christian baby killing homosexual loving un-American agenda and and and... stick it up your wazoo!"

In other news...


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