Wednesday, December 17, 2003


Ken Lay, Ruthless Enron CEO - In Custody!

HOUSTON: Federal law enforcement officials in Houston Texas have confirmed that the man captured early this morning in a remote area of Waller County Texas is in fact the former Enron strongman Kenneth Lay. Lay's capture comes nearly two years after his brutal corpoarate regime of terror collapsed in late 2001.

"The tyrant is a prisoner," shouted Pauline Bremmerman, a former employee of Lay's power corrupt Enronian dictatorship. "My entire family and future were nearly destroyed by this ruthless greedy liar lunatic," Bremmerman remarked. "I'm glad they got the bastard, and I hope they lock him up in a little tiny dank SuperMax hidey-hole, just like the one they noodled him out of."

Law enforcement investigators were tipped off late yesterday to the possibility of Lay's whereabouts when a local waitress reported hearing rumors of a bearded old man trading in weather forecast futures and living beneath a foam rubber mattress pad under the floorboards of an abandoned radiator repair shop near the banks of the Brazos River in western Waller County.

Federal, State, and local law enforcement officials, including a heavily armed division of the Hempstead Jaycees, assembled an advance operational command post just before dawn and by early morning had narrowed their search down to the abandoned radiator shop and a tool storage shed behind Miss Ida Mae Beauregard Hampton's Plastic Illuminated Holiday Lawn Ornament Emporium.

A Special Weapons And Tactics team discovered Lay cowering under the foam rubber mattress pad inside the radiator shop at about 9am when a small dog named Ernie began barking wildly at a debased Brooks Brother sock laying at the rear of the building. A short search of the interior of the vacant garage resulted in Lay's capture.

Lay surrendered peacefully, but was "purty dis-oriented," as sheriff deputy Bobby Wilson Pickett Lee Wilson noted while dunking a fat sorghum-glazed donut into a hot styrofoam cup of fresh coffee. "Shee'it, I ain't seen excitment like this 'round these parts since pastor Eunice Crowley went crazy like a horn-dog and run off to Branson Missouri with the Marshfield twins," concluded Wilson.

In any event, the unshaved and disheveled former Enron despot who emerged from under the radiator shop floorboards was a shaky shadow of the belligerent high profile titan who controlled commodity trading floor rape rooms, accounting book torture chambers, cozy offshore financial partnerships, money laundering terror networks, and hoodwink investor scams designed to bilk his own people out of hundreds of millions of dollars.

Lay, bearded and tick-bit, and babbling about a dead battery in a stolen golf cart parked beside the building, was led away by law enforcement officials and transported to a hospital facility in Prairie View where he was given a complete medical examination and a haircut. Waller County officials later photographed Lay, mainly for the novelty hell of it, and he was moved to a secure location in Houston for further interrogation and delicing.

Ironically, Kenneth Lay, the once celebrated CEO super-leader-hero of Enron Corporation, was found groveling in a dirty hole only miles from the shimmering glass tower corporate kingdom of fraud that he and his Fastow Party loyalists had built. No more number one patron of a GOP "President". No more limited-liability companies. No more magic balance sheets. No more lap dances in the executive suite. No more palaces in Aspen or summer homes in South Hampton. No more JEDI and Chewco and cute Star Wars characters soaring off to regulate distant cosmic energy universes. Nope. Nothing left but a dead battery a stolen golf cart and a bad jailhouse haircut.

Spokesperson's for the Bush White House refused to comment fully on Lay's capture, saying only that "President Bush is personally unfamiliar with Mr. Lay and his tragic circumstances, but enjoyed his potato chips for many years." Vice President Cheney was unavailable for comment and reportedly swaddled away in a secret undisclosed underground spider-hole location of his own.

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